
Qassili___ 
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BOTTLE 



IXE1) PICKLES. 







Tkt AotW r?|iojin^ offer Jtis labours . — 



A BOTTLE 



MIXED PICKLES. 









1853, 



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3//* 7 



CONTENTS. 



Ik 





PJLOB 


To the Editor of the Times . 


1 


From Portsmouth to Havre 


., . 5 


44 To Persons about to marry " 


13 


A Ball at the Princess's Concert Rooms 


. 16 


" Similia Similibus Curantur " 


22 


Homoeopathic cure for Melancholy 


. 26 


Riddles, &c. 


28 


The Limerick Mail 


. 33 


The Destroying Angel 


42 


Jonathanisms 


. 49 


FJloisa to Abelard . .' • ' , 


52 


Serenade . . & . 


. 54 


From the " Rushlight " . 


56 


A Fable . 


. 58 


Blarney Castle 


60 


Mr. Bell . 


. 63 


An Incident 


66 


A view in Switzerland 


. 68 


A Lecture at the Rotunda . 


69 


Acknowledgment of a Compliment 


. 71 


New words to the " Ivy Green " 


74 


The new Reform Bill . 


. 75 


Surely you must be Mistaken 


78 


Epistles Dedicatory 


. 91 



u 



TO THE EDITOR OP "THE TIMES." 



In your excellent journal, Sir, may I presume 

To humbly solicit a place, 
The public compassion to move, if I can, 

By reciting my sorrowful case ? 

I'm a worm, Sir — nay sneer not — nor think that it is 

An unaristocratical name ; 
To be more aboriginal " sons of the soil " 

Than the oldest of nations, we claim. 

But although a respectable peaceable tribe 

^ot given to mischievous freaks, 
Yet, like rogues and marauders, we constantly live 

In dire apprehension of " Beaks." 

This is grievance the first, and a great one it is ; 

Eor if we should venture to push 
Our heads above ground, we're immediately gulped 

By some hungry old blackbird or thrush. 



Those insatiable ogres, so ruthless and dire, 

With a snap put an end to our lives ; 
And the " Bills of Mortality " daily are filled 

With our parents, sons^ daughters, and wives. 

To this " Diet of Worms " at which we are "discussed" 

We hold a well-grounded objection ; 
But being the true " landed interest, " we hope 

Some day, for a little "Protection." 

But we've yet a worse enemy still than the birds — 
" The knave " (he's a sad one) " of spades ; " 

(The Gardener I mean) who with mischievous tool 
Our underground dwellings invades. 

To imagine the pang when he chops us in half 
Would make your blood's current run cold ; 

But as in these cases our "tail " is removed, 
Our sufferings ne'er can be " told. " 

You men, if afflicted, find comfort in this 

That Time your vexations can mend ; 
In every trouble it soothes yoiu* distress 

To reflect on your " latter end. " 

We've no such reflection to aid us in woe, 

Since our's is a terrible state 
Of " endless " misfortune, which not e'en the Good 

Physician Old Time can abate. 

" Long Division " to us, though our "figures" are long, 
Is anything but an attraction, 



And, [however you married poor fellows in ay laugh,] 

To lose one's (undoubtedly) "better half" 
Is, in our case, no satisfaction. 

In the chair of a dentist expectant to sit 

Is doubtless unpleasant enough .; 
While with hard bony hand he examines your mouth. 

And imparts a rich flavour of snuff. 

'Tis no subject of merriment when he routs up 

A fang from it's deep gummy nook ; 
But you'd better have ten double-grinders pulled out 

Than dangle alive on a hook. 

The rod that he tingles with daily, the boy 

Has doubtless good reason for hating ; 
But the hook is more "barb"arous still than the rod, 

And we suffer more pangs in our "baiting." 

Some people complain we " disfigure the lawn " 

With ugly small spots, but if true, 
Take care, ye who grace the Episcopal bench. 

Lest that charge apply also to you. 

One of you is a Figaro, all things in turn, 

With slippery quick versatility : 
Another is rancorous, rough, and cantankerous, 

With martial impartial hostility. 

His Lordship of London, when Catholic freaks 
Demand an episcopal stopper, 



Say s " Dear Mr. Bennet, your ways I appro ve, 
Though, in public I call them improper. " 

It's Lord lately leased a rich manor* anew, 
In a manner, however, least laudable : 

Through respect for the Church, I will say nothing more, 
Though such things will to Horsman afford a tale. 

We hunger for knowledge and poke into books 

On dusty shelves uselessly resting ; 
And eagerly then their contents we " devour, " 

Which have need of much " inward digesting. " 

Birds and fishes eat us, and in process of time 

The eaters are eaten by man ; 
And soon t'will be our turn, good folks, to eat you ; 

So pray get as fat as you can. 

You humans talk much of the joys of your hearth, 

And friends in affection combining ; 
To us too the "(h)earth" is as dear as to you, 

And the coils of our love as entwining. 

People say we've no feeling, but let them transpose 

Their subject and object; and then 
Will appear something nearer the truth, which is this, 

That worms find no feeling in men. 

They talk of low birth, at our pedigree jeer ; 
But let them deny if they can, 

* That of Horfield. * Sre Hamlet, Act iv. Sc, 3. . 



What the Great Hebrew Psalmist himself did declare 
That he was " a worm and no man."* 

They assert that our dwellings, our lowly abodes, 
Are " bores " on the face of the land ; 

But while they give honour and praise to Brunei, 
Surely our little tunnels may stand. 

This is quite the first time, and perhaps is the last, 
That a worm eyer wriggled in rhymes ; 

So lift not your foot, Mr. Editor, pray, 
3>ut give me a place in " The Times.' ? 



FROM PORTSMOUTH TO HAYRE. 



The advantage so frequently recommended to the 
notice of the travelling portion of the British public in 
advertisements of certain Steam-boats that " passengers 
walk on board " is not enjoyed by such persons as have 
occasion to cross to Havre from Portsmouth. Those who 
embark at the latter port are taken out in a small boat 
towards Spithead and there wait to be picked up by the 

* Psalm xxii, 6. See also Job xxy. 6. 



Southampton Steamer ; by which means, if the weather 
happens to be rough, they get (in addition to a ducking) 
a thorough preliminary disordering of what the French 
call " the department of the interior " before the legiti- 
mate commencement of their troubles, and enjoy the 
fairest possible prospect of experiencing the last agonies 
of sea-sickness, under circumstances likely to render them 
of unmitigated aggravation. 

It was my lot some months since to become practically 
acquainted with these facts, having occasion to embark at 
Portsmouth at a moment as unpropitious to a nautical 
excursion as could well be conceived, the night being 
dark and rainy, and the wind blowing sufficiently hard 
to make a brisk " soda-water- sea, " as it is called, even 
just off the shore. One other victim presented himself at 
the Sallyport simultaneously with myself for shipment 
in the wherry which was to put us on board. By way 
of a little small talk on making acquaintance, he related 
how, on the last occasion on which he had started from this 
point, a mishap had occured to the boatmen's signal torch, 
which tumbled overboard, and was so put out both in flame 
and temper by it's wetting that it subsequently manifest- 
ed an insuperable reluctance to be rekindled, and in 
consequence the Steamboat passed in the dark without 
stopping. "We should have discussed this somewhat 
comic tragedy with more relish, had not it's intimate 
connection with contingencies to which we were just then 
liable brought the possibility of it's recurrence rather too 
vividly to our apprehension. Our boat having been with 
some difficulty, owing to the perverseness of the tide, got 



out to a point about midway between Southsea and Spit- 
head, was there made fast to a buoy. In this position 
the waves played pitch- and-toss with us for about an hour 
and a quarter with the utmost freedom, while frequent 
storms of rain saved us from being troubled with too great 
an exuberance of cheerfulness. At length, to our lively 
satisfaction, the lamps of the approaching steamer appear- 
ed, whereupon the boatmen made a series of attempts to 
light their torch ; which proved wholly abortive, possibly 
owing to the circumstance that the wick having been 
recently immersed in the water (which now reached our 
ancles) was afflicted with a cold in the head ; or possibly 
in consequence of the lucifer matches having been by some 
unhappy casuality divested of their heads altogether. 
At length by dint of a laborious and very unpromising 
process with a flint and steel, a sallow-complexioned 
battered end of a candle with a bulbous gouty-looking 
wick, inserted in an old horn lantern, was coaxed into a 
state of fungous illumination. In addition to it's other 
physical infirmities, our unfortunate fragment of a dip 
was afflicted with an affection of the spine from having 
been inadvertently sat upon, which caused it to loll side- 
ways out of it's socket in a listless and imbecile manner, 
so that the vitality of it's wretched modicum of light was 
alarmingly precarious. The lantern was now consigned 
to the care of the other passenger to be displayed to the 
approaching steamboat, while the boatmen rowed to meet 
it. My task was io steer and protect the carpet bags 
from the rain and spray with an umbrella. Absorbed in 
these important operations, it was some little time before 



8 



my observation was accidentally drawn to the circum- 
stance that our light-house was, for some utterly inscruta- 
ble purpose of his own, displaying the dark side of the 
lantern to the approaching packet; which operation, if 
seriously intended, appeared as little likely to achieve any 
conceivable result as if he had attempted to attract the 
desired notice by energetically ringing a bell bereaved of 
it's clapper. Of course any explanation of our friend's 
mysterious conduct by reference to any humourous inten- 
tions of ill-timed practical joking was, at this moment, 
out of the question, so I ventured to ask whether he did 
not think it would be advisable to turn the bright side 
forwards ; a suggestion which he seemed to consider highly 
valuable and ingenious, and adopted accordingly. After 
having been a good deal tantalized by frequent bumpings 
against the broad black sides of our Steamer, and then, 
just as we thought we had got the rope thrown to us, 
being whisked, by a little pleasantry on the part of the 
waves, a long way off again, we eventually found our- 
selves on the deck of the " Grand Turk." There were 
but few passengers, and all but two of them were already 
dismally indisposed in the cabin, and merely gave languid 
woe-begone looks at us with their dull dreary eyes as we 
selected our berths. The two individuals who were not 
yet visibly affected were hardily attempting to defy fate 
by playing Chess. The game however was no less sum- 
marily than suddenly nipped in the bud, for a lurch of 
the ship unceremoniously shut up the board and check- 
mated one of the players, who staggered off to a sofa 
faintly calling for brandy and water, an order dictated 



9 



apparently by no convivial views. Shortly after this the 
Steward came ronnd to collect the fares. To those who 
suffer from sea-sickness it is surely one of the bitterest trials 
of life to be called upon, just at the very instant perhaps 
that they are expecting a substantive and material devel- 
opement, so to speak, of their uncomfortable sensations, 
to go into arithmetical computations. When the feeling of 
a painful crisis is imminent, and it is so hazardous to 
move that even the venturing on a wink is fraught with 
grave peril, it is surely too hard to be required to dive into 
the uttermost recesses of the pocket of a coat, the lowest 
stratum perhaps of a deep conglomerate of wraps in which 
you are are swathed as tightly as a mummy or a Hindoo 
baby, and drag forth a purse ; feeling as you do all the 
while the conviction that the dread consummation of your 
sorrows which divers premonitory throes have given 
warning to be impending, will be inevitably induced by 
the exertion. The sufferers on this occasion, when visited 
in turn by that unfeeling functionary the Steward, 
manifested so deep an indifference as to the extent of 
their disbursements, and such an abandoned recklessness 
as to the correctness of the amount given them in change, 
as, in ordinary pecuniary transactions, would shortly lead 
to serious fiscal embarrassment. The Grand Turk is an 
ancient fabric, now somewhat infirm, in consequence of 
it's originally robust constitution, having been severely 
shaken by the severe buffetings to which it has during 
it's career been exposed. As it lumbers along, digging 
and butting at the waves with it's heavy bows, it's whole 
frame trembles and shakes in a constant paroxysm of 



10 



agitation. It's ribs and screws too make an unusually 
vociferous concert of a painfully unmusical character, 
"Whether anything particular occurred during the passage of 
the Channel I am unable to state, having been sound 
asleep from the time we passed the Eab light off the 
Eastern corner of the Isle of Wight, till the sudden 
cessation of the motion of the paddle-wheels, consequent 
on our arrival at the mouth of the harbour at Havre, 
dispelled my slumbers. Probably the old Grand Turk 
had been disporting itself with unwieldy gambols among 
the waves, for I do just recollect some indistinct notion 
occurring dimly at intervals to my mind that the bed was 
in a very frisky humour, and that the pillow was betray- 
ing far more animation than was consistent with the staid 
and sober character of that article. "We do not call upon 
pillows for active duties — we simply require them to be 
fat and comfortable ; yet here was an individual which 
so far forgot itself as to toss the head which reposed in 
misplaced confidence on it's bosom, from side to side, and 
jerk it into the air with as little reference to it's conve- 
nience, or the composure of it's dreams, as if it had been 
a shuttlecock or a cricket ball. My own legs too, from 
whom I should have hoped better things, partook of the gen- 
eral hilarity, and were guilty of the wildest extravagance. 
Renouncing their allegiance to their natural lord, and in- 
deed in direct opposition to his wishes and efforts to the 
contrary, they were seized with intermittent impulses of I 
uncontrollable liveliness which caused them to kick upl 
in the air, to the signal discomfiture of the bedclothes, 
who must have been doubtless greatly surprised at suchj 



11 

irregular and unseemly ebullitions of jocularity. The 
Grand Turk had now some difficulty in forcing a passage 
through the crowd of ships and boats of all descriptions by 
which the harbour seemed to be almost impassably plugged 
up. By dint however of worming its way through crowds 
of merchant vessels, writhing round piers, wriggling 
amongst flocks of torpid barges, jostling aside fishing boats, 
and rudely elbowing off the smaller craft, it eventually 
managed to rub it's fat sides against the wharf, to which 
it was shortly after secured in a sort of hymeneal union 
by a noose. The good folks of Havre did not seem to be 
yet awake, for nobody was visible on the shore except a 
few touters for hotels, some douaniers and gendarmes, 
and a sentry pacing incessantly up and down his short 
beat like that restless panther at the Zoological Gardens ; 
whose perseverance, poor fellow ! in the pursuit of his 
"constitutional" under difficulties, on a promenade scarcely 
thrice the length of his tail, is most exemplary. The 
Turk soon discharged the live portion of his freight into the 
passport office. Some of the passengers seemed decidedly 
to have "made a night of it," for E they tottered feebly 
along the gangway, looking very mouldy and dilapidated, 
and generally the worse for wear. The predominant 
sensation on my own part was a kind of half- awake resent- 
ment at having been prematurely roused from a nap, 
mingled with a guilty consciousness of being odiously 
dirty and unshorn. My passport having been examined, 
and found to be unimpeachably regular, there ensued a 
small drama in the baggage office adjoining, something 
OH this wise ; — 



12 



Dramatis Persons. Two douaniers of the 12mo size of 
French soldiers, attired in Albert hats, and 
red jellybag- shaped trousers. 
Two Gendarmes, moustachio'd, tall, & farouche. 
English traveller, dressed in a shooting coat, 
wideawake, &c, in the true British "tourist" 
style. 
As the scene opens, the two douaniers seize each an arm 
of the traveller, while the two gendarmes take him by 
the collar. AH four gabble violently at once "Pass p — 
faut pas fum — bureau — de — droits de dou— 
point de cig — poli — commission — &c, &c." 
(prestissimo. J 
Apathetic traveller (who appears to be addicted to cigars) 
when they pause for breath, slowly projects a thin 
ringlet of tobacco from, the corner of his mouth, 
and remarks with much composure " My bag, 
please." 
The two douaniers and two gendarmes. Same melange of 
exclamatory exhortations as before, in a slightly higher 
key. 

Imperturbable traveller, with calm laconic mildness, 
"Bag, please." The two douaniers and two gendarmes find 
they have hooked an old fish ; and that their fondly 
imagined visions of extorting a franc are not likely to bo 
realised. The bag is therefore produced, and handed over 
by the traveller to a stout individual en blouse, to be 
carried. Scene closes ; and within ten minutes after- 
wards, the hero of the piece is wallowing in luxuiy 
(i. e. hot sea- water) in a bath at FrascatFs. 



13 



"TO PERSONS ABOUT TO MARRY. 5 



Since now, my young friend, you are entering life,, 
And probably think your'e in want of a wife, 

My dismal experience hear : 
The stoniest heart t' would macadamize, 
And from a policeman's dry pitiless eyes 

Pump out an unnatural tear. 

Being silly, like other young men of my age, 
I once, years ago, loved with passionate rage 

A maiden of heavenly mould. 
I had some excuse, for what poet could paint 
That form of an houri, that mind of a saint, 

That gem in a setting of gold ? 

Her hands were like pure alabaster ; her teeth 
Rows of glittering pearl, lips of coral beneath ; 

Her eyes, soft as those of a dove ; 
While, as Homer would call it, a " lily-like voice, '* 
Tuned with sweet fascination the ear to rejoice, 

Distilled witching accents of love. 

Young men who give way to such violent rapture 
Are not very difficult fishes to capture, 
So the vows matrimonial were plighted : 



14 

Ah ! it still makes me feel suicidal to say 
How soon my bright fairy-dream melted away, 
And the bud of my rapture was blighted. 

'Not to weary your patience, my story shall trip, 
And make, with its seven-league-boots on, a skip 

Over some intermediate years : 
I feasted your eyes with a vision of bliss — 
You gazed on that picture — now look upon this — 

Behold ! my adore d reappears ! 

The time I omitted, our nuptials between 
And that whereupon we return to the scene, 

Disaster had marked for it's own. 
Successive calamities banished all trace 
Of each juvenile charm from that idolized face, 

Whence all it's bright magic had flown. 

One eye was knocked out by a fall from her hack ; 
The other grew purblind, and frequently black 

(In mourning, perhaps, for its fellow). 
Not very long after this happened, her nose 
(The effect of some very strong scent, I suppose) 

Got very suspiciously mellow. 

But the loss of an optic alas ! was not all 
The damage my lady sustained from her fall — 

She broke both her arms and a leg. 
"New members of timber were shortly arranged, 
And the wedding-ring's usual locality changed 

To a little mahogany peg. 



15 



The dark wavy hair which in happier days 

Had " flooded her neck," (you remember our phrase,} 

" With many a rich flowing billow/ ' 
One morning was found unexpectedly gone, 
And Martha as bald as the day she was born : 

"When she rose it had stuck to the pillow ! 

Those white pearly teeth, not " in- firm " as their state^ 
All rattled one evening down into her plate, 

Excepting one stubborn old tusk; 
Who, when his thin shell could no stopping contain, 
Closed at length a sad scene of disorder and pain, ' 

Ground down to the gum by a rusk. 

Just now, with a glow of old passionate pride, 
To the musical tones of her voice I applied 

An epithet, classic,— and silly ! 
Soon, if they a lily resembled at all, 
'Twas the poison of what " Bella donna " they call, 

On that fierce-looking plant "tiger-lily." 

Such a load of increasing vexation and care 
Compelled me at length, in my utter despair, 

In death relaxation to get. 
So T hung myself- — yes ! — I assure you ; no joke : 
But the beam giving way, down I fell, and awoke 

Alive, and a bachelor yet ! 

And now for my moral. Of course you expect 
I shall beg you to pause for a while, and reflect — 
Xo ! I make no so foolish suggestion. 



16 

To lovers, as winds, it's as idle to talk; 

yBut this I do say, do not sup upon pork, 

Or what may produce indigestion, 

Lest you suffer in dreams an unhappy estrangement*. 
And remember, once made, a connubial arrangement 

Is a difficult matter to alter. 
Host unpleasant you'd find it, (not being a horse,) 
To marry & nightmare, and sue for divorce 

By putting your neck in a halter. 



A BALL AT THE PRINCESS'S CONCERT ROOMS, 
CASTLE STREET, OXEORD STREET. 

'"Miss Bennett has the honour to announce 
that her grand 

FULL DRESS BALL!!! 

Will take place at these Rooms this Evening, 
December the 19th. 

DOORS OPEJST AT 10-30. DANCING TO COMMENCE 
AT 11." 

Such was the notice, in the largest of blue types, which, 
on the said evening of the 19th of December 1849, sus- 
pended at the door of the Princess's Concert Rooms, in- 
vited respectable society in general, and the Terpsichorean 
public in particular, to join the festivities then immediate- 
ly in contemplation, and which notice attracted the attention 



17 



of me (Mr. John Smith) as I chanced on that particular 
evening in question to be passing through Castle Street 
homeward-bound from a dinner party. Now, unfortunate- 
ly for me, I am not a dancing man, and, except when 
performing with the divine Belinda, cannot get up much 
excitement on the subject. One of my most favourite 
amusements has been however, (and particularly at the 
Bath assembly Booms,) to retire at a ball into strict se- 
clusion in an impregnable thicket of dowagers, in a 
position inaccessible to those troublesome persons who will 
insist on everyone's dancing and making themselves 
wretchedly hot and uncomfortable, and thence, as Lucre- 
tius says, u € terra alterius magnum spectare iaborem" — 
and also to observe — all kinds of things — which it is unneces- 
sary to discuss here. So it being already 11 o'clock, 
I walked in and enquired if the ball was begun. "Walk 
up, Sir," dancing just going to begin, Sir — band been 
here some time, Sir !." "Well, but how many people are 
come ? " I enquired. " there's a lady and gentleman 
gone up this moment — lots more presently, Sir, Miss 
Bennett had 600 tickets taken a week ago. " The solitary 
couple must feel, thought I, rather like Adam and Eve ; 
but as two individuals, however energetically disposed, 
don't go far towards a ball, and it would have been a sin 
to have interrupted the tete a tete, I retired for half an 
hour into a neighbouring street. On my return, the same 
gentleman in the hall who had given the reins to his 
imagination in the extravagant myth of the 600 tickets 
informed me " Plenty of ladies and gentlemen here now, 
Sir — 40 at least — all these" (showing tickets) "'come in 



u 



the last half hour. " Having had proof of my friend's 
inventive readiness, I considerably mistrusted the accura- 
cy of his statistics, but thought it as well to go up, and 
was happy to find a select party collected ; the ladies duly 
arranged in that awful and unapproachable state of grim 
primness in straight lines of rout seats which is apt to strike 
bashful bachelors with terror and dismay, and irrecoverably 
drive out of their heads in a moment all the sweet sayings 
they have been churning and labouring into shape for a 
month before. The only entertainment as yet was in 
watching the arrivals. First came in a youth with white 
hair which nature had supplied him with retail, and with 
a ] anionic! bly abortive attempt at whiskers. This gentle- 
man was possessed with the delusion that a redundancy 
ef white neckcloth was an effectual captivator of the hearts 
of the feir sex. He had fallen a victim to this singular 
hallucination, for he had enveloped his neck in so stiff 
and broad a white board that he could'nt look down, 
(though being naturally anxious as to the general effect 
of his boots he was dying to do so), and he was equally 
precluded from looking up, being, in fact, summarily 
throttled as often as he tried ; so he was reduced to staring 
horizontally point blank straight before him. Shortly, the 
band ("Wcippert's) struck up, which was invigorating, 
and besides my curiosity was "on the P. G, " as Mrs. 
Malaprop said, to see what the dancing would be like. 
A Waltz ! Off started a fat gentleman, so fat that he 
eclipsed his partner altogether, and whirled round 
(spun, or whizzed would be a more appropriate 
so fast, that his coat-tails, from the centrifugal 



19 



force, stood out like a rim at right angles to his body, 
and his hair floated out horizontally round his head like 
a brown halo. During the dance there came into the 
room a pair- — what the gentleman was I am not in a 
position to state, my eyes having been entirely chained 
to the spectacle of the lady who was attired cap a pie in 
the brightest (or the "loudest," as the phrase is) of yellow 
silks, flashing most wondrously, so that she looked like 
the flame of a stage fire — that one when the king of the 
Golden Island comes in. Her character seemed as prononce 
as her colours, for she and her friend, the very instant ' 
they found what was going on, plunged unhesitatingly 
into the vortex of dancers with reckless audacity, and 
executed the back whirl with giddy rapidity. Young 
"Weippert seemed to catch the infection of ardour, for as 
he beheld them, his eyes began to glare, and he dug and 
tore at his harp in a vindictive and frantic paroxysm of 
savage energy. By this time I had progressed far in the 
good graces of an elegant female who sat next to me, and 
whose smiles and conversation I had succeeded in divert- 
ing from her own peculiar swain on the other side. So 
she at length put the ominous question — " Bo you not 
Yalse ?" " Yes— but it is the fashion nowadays to execute 
such performances with a partner, and I have not the 
felicity, &c." The upshot of which of course was, that in 
another moment we were pirouetting glibly round and 
round the room > and round and round one another, and 
exchanging all sorts of sweet sentiments ; to which pro* 
cess, waltzing, from the close proximity it engenders, is 
(provided of course you don't, as I always do, get giddy) 



20 



30 favourable. All this time the unfortunate swain, who 
had some misgivings as to his capabilities in the "Waltz, 
and therefore shrank from the attempt, beheld the warmth 
of oar sociability with a look of unutterable disgust. 
However, his truant fair came back quite safe at the 
conclusion of the dance, and they soon made it up again. 
I soon became acquainted with a most material fact in 
respect of this ball, namely, that each lady came there 
provided with a swain, and of course, as the numbers of 
each sex were equal, each swain was similarly provided 
with a nymph, and the whole purpose of coming there 
was, that each couple should dance together the whole 
evening. Indeed so thick and confidential were a 
great many of the pairs, that it was pretty obvious that 
hymeneal arrangements were in contemplation, and that, 
in short, they had come there to have a regular good flirt 
of it ; a sort of carnival before the penitential season of 
matrimonial remorse. This was an alarming state of 
circumstances for a stray bachelor to become acquainted 
with, as it became necessary either to seduce the allegiance 
of some fair damsel from her finance, and thereby goad him 
to committing a breach of the peace, or else to remain 
utterly destitute of partners. The charms of an houri in 
a slate coloured dress compelled me to adopt the former 
course. Her cher ami was a peculiar specimen of natu- 
ral history ; the most remarkable points about him being, 
first, his dental arrangements, which were entirely un- 
orthodox and anomalous, like a cheval de frise ; secondly, 
his huge rough bristle of hair like an African jungle ; 
Lly, that from the mass of whisker which he thought 



21 



proper to cultivate, his face was like a bird's nest; and 
lastly, that he had nothing whatever of any kind to say for 
himself. His waistcoat, and the startling combinations 
of colours thereon displayed, I do not attempt to describe, 
it being, as the literary housemaid said, " more than pen.' ' 
However the " Beauty " seemed so unaccountably fond of 
her " Beast" that it seemed hopeless at first to attack the 
fortress, for they sat billing and cooing and doing the 
whole duty of sweethearts with exemplary energy. 
Being at last recalled to a sense of the world about them 
by the stirring notes of the Drum Polka, they joined the 
giddy throng of dancers. My friend's strenuous efforts 
however were crowned with lamentably bad success, for 
the only result he attained was the winding himself up 
tight in his partner's dress, so that he became swathed in 
muslin like an Egyptian mummy. A concussion with 
her of the flame coloured raiment eventually put him 
hors de combat, and made room for me. Hot having many 
subjects of common interest to discuss with the Peris of 
the Castle Street Paradise, I was for once a little at a 
loss for small change, till I discovered that compliments 
" cut rather fat " (as the vernacular of Smithfield has it), 
were the most acceptable currency. Now the fair sex, 
speaking generally, have a weakness for liking to swallow 
what is vulgularly called soft soap, and digest large 
quantities of it with surprising facility; but these ladies 
had such brisk appetites for the commodity, that to make 
the supply meet the demand, it became necessary to 
administer bars of the coarsest yellow (to continue the 
metaphor) wholesale. Having, therefore, gladdened the 



22 



hearts of a long succession of dismally plain young ladies 
by assuring each in turn that she was the only strikingly 
lovely person in the room &c.,(a subsequent comparison 
of notes must slightly have dispelled the soft illusion !) 
and having breathed into the ear of each in turn the same 
choice flowers of sentiment culled in the Tottenham 
Court Road Theatre, I made a low salaam to Miss Bennett, 
and departed. Alas ! no Peri in slate coloured silk was 
wafted on a roseate cloud to me in a dream that evening. 
No ! All night long young "Weippert and myself were 
on horseback, chasing a shaggy wild boar across an African 
desert. At sunrise Ave speared him, and in coming up to 
the prey, found in our victim him of the teeth, in a 
copious perspiration from running so long, and regarding 
us with a look of irresistibly comic animosity. 



SIMILIA SIMILIBUS CTJRANTUR. " 
(the homoeopathic motto) 



[Enter Patient]— " I call, Doctor Physicemsmall, 

To solicit a little advice : 
Iv'e caught a slight cold, and your art I am told 

Can banish such plagues in a trice. 



23 



" My symptoms are these : I frequently sneeze- 
"When pepper gets mixed with my snuff ; 

Just after a meal no hunger I feel, 
Nor thirst when I've tippled enough. 

" My pulse is too fleet by nearly a beat ; 

My tongue too,, excessively pink : 
I may add that my sleep is unbroken and deep,, 

"With a previous proneness to wink." 

Dr. P. 

" Sir ! the truth must be told ; your case is no cold ; 

From the first I perceived it was so ; 
You have metempsychosis and pettitorosis 

Seated deep in your left little toe. 

" The size of your cheeks plumpchopsis bespeaks ; 

No symptom on earth could be surer ; 
While your very red nose a tendency shows 

To jesticular camera obscura. 

" Attention to diet, with medicine and quiet,. 

Will soon work a grand revolution 
In your little toe's state, and ameliorate 

It's, at present, impaired constitution. 

' First then you must sniff no agreable whiff : 

'T would cause sad stomachic derangement, 
From coffee and spices, in short, all that nice is* 
Observe the eompletest estrangement. 



24 



" These powders I make be careful to take 
As enjoined by their covers* direction : 

Yes, these powders — you stare — nay, they really are there, 
Though far too minute for detection. 

<l Of flour they contain a part of a grain 

Much smaller than infinitesimal ; 
"Whose strength in dilution will form a solution 

Expressed by a wonderful decimal. 

■" But since anything strong we hold to be wrong, 

? T would be politic not to do more * m 
Than to try from a distance the effect of the least glance, 

Or a view through a hole in a door. 

u Should you wish for a tonic for organs pulmonic, 

Or travel, your spirits to cheer ; 
Take a look (but a slight one) at a pebble from Brighton, 

Or a print of it's wonderful pier. 

"A dip in the sea beneficial might be ; 

Thus. Take of spring-water an ocean : 
Add of salt a suspicion, too tiny for vision, 

Just a mere symptomatical notion. 

" Eut the bath I define, being highly saline, 
Might prove to the system too shocking ; 

So I don't recommend that your dip should extend 
To more than the foot of your stocking. " 



2S 



Patient. 

" Thanks, Sir, for your pains ; there hardly remains 

Any need of the treatment you order ; 
For in fact this exquisite-ly comical visit 
Already has cured my disorder. 

u But since by the rule of your talented school 

Strong drugs make a malady worse ; 
The usual fee prejudicial would be 

To the chronic complaint of your purse. 

" No ! I beg that instead, on a post-office head 

You will for an instant reflect ; 
Such a thought or a glance, on your state of finance 

"Will have a surprising effect. 

"You'll be quite a Thellusson, whose riches they tell us on 

So excessively strangely divided. 
[Since then to be cracked contravenes the late Act % 

" In such case made and provided."] 

if Each person you meet promenading the street 

Will exclaim, after due recognition, 
6 Ah ! verily there goes a millionaire 

The homoeopathic physician.' 

" Should such an increase of money and ease 

Patriotic emotions beget, 
'Twill give you much pleasure with part of your treasure 

To pay off the national debt. 

* The "Thellusson Act" 40 Geo. 3 cap 98. 



26 



w Then should you the rest be disposed to invest, 
How much with such wealth may be won ! 

A portion 'twill buy quite eluding the eye 
Of a crumb of a halfpenny bun. 

4< But such a large portion pray eat with due caution,. 

That it raise not: your system too high ; 
Lest dire apoplexy or plethora vex ye, 

And put out your light : now, good bye. '* 



HOMOEOPATHIC CUKE FOE MELANCHOLY. 



*' The philosopher's stone long sought for is won ! 

w Simula SrsniaBtrs cttkantxte ! ! ! " 
Just call upon me, and you'll very soon see 

All diseases I cure in a canter. 

" Just name your disorder ; I'll bring you to order- 
By the art in our motto conveyed ; 

I'm not for concealing our method of healing, 
Which thus is more fully displayed. 

"■ Suppose now a sty, inflaming your eye ; 

The particular remedy's plain ; 
Yiz.., what would excite in sound organs of sight 

The annoyance of which you complain. 



'2? 



** You, Sir, as you say, are often a prey- 
To gloomy depressing ennui ; 

So I'll catalogue briefly what remedies chiefly 
To your case will appropriate be, 

" Intensely lugubrious books are salubrious ; 

So, a residence deep in a swamp ; 
In which choose a chamber with a ceiling like amber 

Sufficiently dirty and damp. 

" Try a tune from young ladies whose playing a trade is, 
And taste inexpressibly odious ; [sick 

But beware lest such music should by chance make you too 
So unbearably anti-melodious. 

" 'Twill be good for your health to wed mere for wealth* 

Without the least spark of affection ; 
Besistance to cheering attempts at endearing 

Is a step in the proper direction. 

"Bear these items in mind) each of which you will hiid 

Suicidal intentions will suit ; 
On an illtempered corn fit a never-yet-worm 

Tight, pitiless, heavy, thick, boot, 

" A bad egg, an action at law, tooth extraction ; 

Are proper the temper to * ; 
A gumboil, seasickness, a frown from * , 

Or a tour with the sweet * f . 

" If none of these answer, you finally, can, Sir> 
A. funereal evening beguile 

* We omit these rhymes for obvious reasons. 



28 

With a miss who is nameless, (for we wish to be blameless,) 
And enjoy her cold poisonous smile. 

* When once you have met her, you'll never forget her 
And you'll easily know when you see her : 

If this does'nt cure you, I beg to assure you 
You've exhausted our pharmacopoeia." 



A KIDDLE. 



My First is the heavy misfortune 
Which victims of Chancery rue : 

Yet thee, my adored, I importune, 
Pray accept it — I offer it you. 

; Tis formed of my elegant best coat 
Which cost ready-made two pound nine ; 

Add this neat fancy kerseymere waistcoat, 
Under which beats a heart that is thine-. 

And down from my bosom extending 
Arrangements prolonged to the feet 

Fast the knees which to beauty are bending 
My First, and my wardrobe, complete. 



29 



At the shrine whither Hymen has beckoned 
fulfil the sweet hope of my soul ! 

Make there " a conjunction " (my second)-, 
And bless, while you double, my whole. 



THE "LITTLE UNKNOWN" MAKES IT'S BOW 
TO THE EEADEE. 



Since your'e anxious to make my acquaintance, I hear, 

I'll give such a specification 
Of the parts of my name, as must speedily lead 

To their easy identification. 

Well then ; with political views let us start. 

My first will be found Independent; 
And though claimed by both sides, and first in debate^ 

Not caring which gains the ascendant. 

And next where to find it ; through all the wide world, 
North, South, East, and West does it roam ; 

In the land of the Lane and the Swede it is found, 
And the African desert's it's home. 

On the shore of the sea you would seek it in vain, 

Though 'tis seen in the billowy tide ; 
And the mountain and valley must own that to it 

They owe nearly half of their pride. 



30 

From weddings 'tis banished, though oddly enough 

To the bride indispensable quite ; 
The Bridegroom ca'nt leave it behind, nor the pair 

"Without it, be wedded aright. 

In a thousand more ways it might well be described, 

Though still indescribable reckoned : 
But of course you have long before this found it out, 

So we'll straightway proceed to my second. 

Take a walk in the country ; whenever you turn, 

You will hear it or see it around ; 
It is born in the banks, from the hedges it springs, 

And in posts not unfrequently found. 

It is thin, it is long, with a tail, and without, 

Triangular, oblong, and round ; 
A distinction, a promise, a messenger too, 

A remark, and a sum, and a sound. 

Not much of a lawyer, though doubtless the bar 

Without it deficient would be, 
And the Judges themselves bear it's family mark, 

Like all of exalted degree. 

It oft condescends to embellish the foot 

Of the humblest of pages, and yet 
In Royalty's pocket 'tis carried about 

Enveloped in rich silken net. 

A light in dark passages, yet not a lamp ; 
A pony,* with no tail or mane : 

* In racing" phrase, 



31 

To the needy most welcome, and chiefly to those 
Who part with it soonest again. 

'Tis inquisitive rather sometimes, so they say, 

Indulging in interrogation ; 
And at anything novel, or sudden, or strange, 

Expressing most marked admiration. 

It sleeps in brass tubes, till the warrior's breath: 

On a sudden awakes it to life ; 
And often such rousing, when War is abroad, 

Is the sign for commencing the strife. 

'Tis the child of a fiddle, that instrument gay,. 

That has three or four " strings to it's bow; "' 
And the fife and the drum are it's parents as well,. 

As soon as you give them a "blow." 

" Garcon ! " says John Bull, " Youlez vous a moi bring 
" Mon bill ?" " Bien m'sieur, dat is yes" 

The sprightly attendant, scarce gone, reappears, 
And brings — what your'e trying to guess. 

r Tis a very great traveller, formerly wont, 

'Neath the wing of a pigeon to sail ; 
But flying's too slow in these go-ahead days, 

So it now whisks about by the rail. 

All snugly enveloped ; and as 'tis it's wish 

That it's loyalty well may be seen, 
[You'll laugh at the notion], it wears on it's cloak 

A little square print of the Queen. 



32 



It's body is frail, quite transparently thin, 
Yet it's pnlse is the pulse of the nation ; 

For the general wealth and the briskness of trade 
Correspond with it's quick circulation. 

^N"ow as to my whole ; I'm a verb, you must know, 
Which you all very constantly need ; 

In warning, and showing, and giving of signs, 
Most active and useful indeed. 

In nature and art nearly all that exists 

I use, as occasion requires ; 
And besides have an infinite number of slaves 

Who exclusively wait my desires. 

Barometers, figures, and marks of all kinds, 

Letters, and little brass hands, 
Weathercocks, signposts, and beacons, and flags^ 

Most actively do my commands. 

To catalogue all that I turn to account 

Would certainly take up the day ; 
But if you do'nt guess me, thai fact I shall use 

In an uncomplimentary way. 



My first is expressed satisfaction. 

My second a rural attraction. 

My ivhole is a business transaction. 



33 



Final result of a philosopher's meditations and experience. 

Happiness, temporal and eternal, depends exclusively 

on a quiet conscience and good digestion. 



Question — Why are clever hypocrites like telescopes ? 
.Answer — Because they require drawing out before they 
can be seen through. 



Question — Why are fairies in a ballet like French dishes" 
.Answer — Because they are dressed with champignons. 



THE LIMEBICK MAIL. 



The Great South- Western Bail way of Ireland which runs 
from Dublin to Cork treats the good town of Tipperary 
with rather unceremonious neglect, omitting to pay it's 
respects to it in person, and merely extending a branch 



34 



thither to deliver the live and dead consignments due to it, 
and receive it's contributions in return. From some 
unaccountable laxity on the part of the railway directors, 
no certain information was, some time since, vouchsafed 
to the public about the times observed on the branch line, 
so that travellers on being deposited at the point of 
junction of the Tipperary offshoot with the parent trunks 
were frequently doomed to find their cherished hopes of 
dinner and bed blasted by the withering intelligence that 
there was no train to convey them to their destination. 
It was once the misfortune of your humble servant, re- 
spected reader, to find himself placed in this undesirable 
position raider circumstances sufficiently adverse to entitle 
his situation to be considered as an unquestionably 
" unhandsome £x" It was just twelve o'clock on a 
miserably wet night in October, when on my arrival at 
the j unction in question, a porter revealed to me that 
there was no train going on to Tipperary. Sleeping at 
the Station was impracticable, as the establishment con- 
sisted only of a shed. Walking four miles to Tipperary 
in such weather, and along Tipperary roads, was not an 
enticing thing to contemplate, and as to cars, " the divle 
of a taste of one " w T as there to be had. Since, however, 
the Station boasted a small tap, the only course to be 
immediately pursued was obvious ; namely, to fortify the 
inner man against the frowns of fate by a glass of 
screaming hot whiskey and water, light a cigar, and 
then deliberate on ulterior proceedings. Having adopted 
this truly philosophical plan, the next thing to be done 
was to take an observation of the weather, which con- 



35 



tinned as maliciously wet as could be. Through the dense 
flood of rain, however, which was falling, I caught a dim 
swimmy glimpse of the red body of a mail coach waiting 
for letters. " Where does that coach go to ?" " Limerick 
Sir." "Put my bag inside ; " and in about twelve seconds 
more, through extreme fatigue, aided perhaps in it's 
■soporific efforts by other considerations not entirely un- 
connected with " hot without," I had coiled myself up in a 
corner of the vehicle, and was plunged in the depths of 
calm intellectual repose, indifferent to external circum- 
stances, and deliciously unconscious of anything whatever. 
How long this trance of whiskey -and water blissfulness 
lasted I am unable to state. It was suddenly dispelled 
by a violent jolt forward which caused me to butt my 
head like a battering ram against what seemed to it to be 
a row of buttons. It was too dark to see anything, but 
the buttons formed a ground for conjecturing that there was 
probably a waistcoat in connection with them somewhere 
thereabouts, and inside that, the gentleman "as belonged 
to it." If such was the case, and the gentleman's chest 
did'nt happen to be an iron one, the settled conviction 
was inevitable that it must have been stove in by the 
concussion. Another jolt, sideways, following close upon 
the ether, caused me to give a cruel dig with my elbows 
into a substance on my left which felt like the ribs of a 
human body, and suggested the conclusion that there was 
an individual in that direction also ; moreover, that if he 
happened to have such a thing as a liver about him, 
placed in the usual situation of that organ, that it must 
now be reduced to a state of minute pulverization, A 



.36 

third concussion which threw me bodily against a large 
stomach, from it's geographical position apparently 
appertaining to the proprietor of the buttons, gave me a 
very vivid idea that something was happening. Indeed, 
something seemed to have already occurred, for the coach 
was so inclined to one side that it was difficult to under- 
stand why it did'nt tip over altogether. On putting my 
head out of window, I found a gigantic fellow, who 
proved to be the coachman, assisted by the guard and 
a couple of other men, tugging at the spokes of the off 
wheels, which had sunk deep into a bog. As the party at 
intervals united their efforts, an unseen being on the box, 
rejoicing apparently (from the exhortations constantly 
addressed to him of " now thin, Mick") in the name of 
Michael, lashed the horses like a fury. They in return 
kicked and plunged frantically, so that our jerky process 
of progression was satisfactorily accounted for. At length 
after a paroxysm of struggling swearing and kicking 
more violent than those preceding it, we found ourselves 
suddenly landed in an horizontal position on terra firma. 
Then came a bump as if we had run over some large 
obstacle ; and then away went our steeds shooting down 
a sharpish hill at full gallop, Mick having maddened 
them by the flogging he had administered, and being now 
unable to controul the devil he had raised. By the light 
of the coach lamps it could be discovered that we were 
skirting a stone Avail; and on venturing a small peep into 
futurity, I made the uncomfortable discovery that there 
sras a sharp turn just ahead of us, and therefore a very 
itsong probability of our ascertaining experimentally the 



37 



comparative hardness of the stones and our heads. E 
therefore prepared for another plunge among the buttons, 
or a dive into the waistcoat pocket, of my vis a vis. In 
a few seconds more the expected bump took place, but 
happily much less violent than could have been anticipa- 
ted. After disembarrassing my knees of a large mass 
of fat gentleman which had been tossed into my lap 
like a soft brickbat, I jumped out to explore the state of 
affairs. The pole was against the wall, but, marvellously 
enough, unbroken ; and the horses, though all in a heap,, 
were " alive," which was equally odd, " and kicking " 
which was'nt odd at all. In a few moments the guard- 
came running up to say that the coachman had been run 
over, and was dying. We all of course hurried back, and 
found the unfortunate man being carried by two others 
into a cabin. A light was struck, and certainly the poor 
fellow's countenance seemed to justify the worst appre- 
hensions. One at least of the wheels had passed over his 
thigh, and he fancied that his back was broken. Fortu- 
nately there was plenty of whisky in the cabin, so we 
gave him large drams of it to support him. When he 
had taken three or four stiff tumblers and still called for 
more, the expediency of allowing him so much struck 
me as being rather questionable. The other by-standers 
however thought otherwise, and seem to consider the 
suggestion of any one's having too much spirits too pre- 
posterous to be seriously entertained for a moment. My 
notions of a sufficient allowance of grog, were formed on 
as low and inadequate an estimate of an Irishman's 
whisky absorbing capabilities, as were the ideas of a 



certain little girl who visited the Zoological Gardens, of 
the big elephant's appetite. "When she had administered 
three buns to her large friend by very minute instalments, 
and he still insatiably extended his trunk for more, 
without manifesting the slightest symptom of becoming 
" an exhausted receiver," she upbraided him with being 
" a great greedy thing." Mr. Elephant however was far 
from showing a proper sense of the justice of the impeach- 
ment so preferred, for when his tea time came, he found 
his appetite sufficiently unimpaired by his luncheon to 
enable him to dispose, without apparent difficulty, of a 
couple or so of small v^an-loads of cabbages and a truss of 
hay, moistening his frugal vegetarian repast with about 
three fourths of a moderate sized pond of water. It may 
be alleged in his exculpation, that possibly the three buns 
may have dropped, among a few dozen apples and other 
miscellaneous delicacies, of which he amasses a large 
collection on sixpenny days at the gardens, into the 
cavity of one of his hollow teeth, and so never reached it's 
contemplated destination. Do not think me unfeeling, 
gentle reader, in stopping in the narration of our unfor- 
tunate coachman's accident, to talk nonsense. This 
account is written some time after the event occurred ; 
and it may relieve your humane feelings to be told at once 
that the sufferer eventually proved to hzve sustained 
much less serious injury than was anticipated. The scene 
in the cabin was curious. The place itself was as misera- 
ble and dirty as Irish huts must be while the pig contin- 
ues to live in the enjoyment of unrestricted social inter- 
course with the familv circle of his owner. There were 



two beds, consisting of fragments of hurdles, supported 
by snort props to keep them out of the mud of the floor ; 
and on each of these was the phantom of a dirty wisp of 
straw by way of bedding, These poor caricatures of 
sleeping places were respectively tenanted by a man and 
a little boy, his son, who both seemed considerable scared 
at such an incursion of strangers at such an hour. It was 
scarcely possible to help laughing at the strong resemblance 
of the filial nose to the paternal organ ; each of which turned 
up, or rather was sliced off short, so that the nostrils instead, 
of modestly deflecting their orifices towards the ground in 
the orthodox manner, opened horizontally forward, recall- 
ing a resemblance to the muzzle of a double-barrelled gun 
levelled point blank at you. Both father and son also 
were thatched with a Caliban-like mat of tangled hair, 
unspeakably rough, of the rusty red colour so common to 
Irishmen, and as ferrugineous in hue as if it had been 
subjected to frequent affusions from the tap of a Chalybeate 
Spa. Their toilets, poor fellows, gave them little trouble, 
for it was evident that their one suit or rather envelope 
of tatters was always on — so far as anything so slightly 
connected with their persons could in strictness be said 
to be ever " on " at all. Of what particular denomina- 
tion of garment their tatters had originally formed a part 
defied conjecture. If compelled to hazard a guess, I 
should have said that at some long anterior period of 
distant remoteness, they had served their country in a 
sphere of extended utility as potatoe- sacks : till by age 
and long service their constitution having become thorough- 



40 



ly enfeebled beyond the possibility of further repair, they 
had withdrawn from labours to which their strength was 
no longer adequate, to form the embellishment of some 
horticultural scene in the capacity of scarecrows; and 
eventually, having failed in that character to strike terror 
to the hearts of small birds by any pretence of resemblance 
to human attire, they had been adopted by their present 
owners. It was obvious that they were now rapidly 
passing into a new phase of being, as tinder. Generally 
speaking, an Irishman's coat resembles a chess board of 
which the alternate squares have been cut out, so that 
tracts of skin, as rough and shaggy as Orson's, as he is 
represented at minor theatres, are freely disclosed through 
the vacant spaces. The rapid waning of our inch of rush- 
light soon began to give us warning that we must decide 
without delay on what was to be done. "We were in- 
formed that Limerick was the nearest point where a 
doctor could be found. Yet the patient seemed so 
disinclined to move that it was agreed best to leave him, 
and send medical assistance as soon as possible, However, 
on my suggesting to him that if we went away he must 
not have any more whisky, he replied " By G — though, 
I will, Sir !" with such emphatic quiet resolution, and 
so evident an intention of drinking himself to insensibility, 
that we thought it more prudent to bring him on with us. 
He was therefore placed in the inside of the coach, in as 
easy a position as could be managed. "We "insides" of 
course turned out to give him more room, and were near- 
ly washed off the roof by the violence of the deluge. 
Mick officiated as coachman. The notions of driving 



41 



which prevailed in his mind were exclusively confined to 
the one fixed idea of leaving the reins loose and belabour- 
ing the horses with the whip ; the consequence of which 
was, that we scrambled and dashed at full gallop through 
the mud and water all the way to Limerick, arriving 
there (to our great surprise, in safety), about five in the 
morning. Our unfortunate coachman was of course taken 
at once to his home. We (I multiply myself by two for 
the sake of euphony) were glad enough to attain the 
hospitable shelter of Cruise's capital hotel, feeling, as may 
be supposed after such a ducking, somewhat limp and 
sodden, and rather disposed to acquiesce in the proposal, 
had it been made, of hanging us over the back of a chair 
to dry. In due time we visited the patient, and found 
he had suffered a good deal of pain, but that the doctor 
reported no bones broken, and that he would soon be 
convalescent. The poor fellow was infinitely grateful for 
a little kindness, and seemed quite cheered by a promise 
(which we hope yet to fulfil) of coming over to Ireland to 
have another drive with him. We should certainly 
prefer to adventure under his conduct rather than under that 
of our friend Mick, whose views of the management of 
a team are yet a trifle too vague and unsettled to be 
compatible with the safety of his passengers ; though, 
like Jehu, "he driveth furiously." 



42 



THE DESTROYING ANGEL. 



My tale is heartrending \ 
I beg your attending 
Most gravely, and lending 

Compassionate ears. 
You'll all have to cry so r 
A double supply now 
Must from each brimming eye flow 

Of pitying tears. 

Miss Emily D— 

How delightful was she ! 

So remarkably plea- 
sing attractive and sweet ! 

The admiring emotion 

Of youths " on promotion " 

Made quite a commotion 
"When they fell at her feet. 

Such her power to please, 
That, did she but sneeze, 
They were down on their knees 

"With love overcome : 
And if she did dance 
They fell all in a trance, 
Like the Knight in romance. 
"With extacy dumb. 



43 

Soft speeches they made ; 
"Whole fortunes they paid 
For bouquets, the trade 

Was never so brisk. 
Having emptied their purses 
They tried to write verses, 
But the Muse so perverse is 

That's rather a risk ! 

I said she was pretty, 
Attractive, and witty, 
Just the person to fit a- 

ny very nice man ; 
ISTo foolish vain scoffer 
To scorn a good offer, 
Should somebody proffer 

A conjugal plan. 

So people kept saying 
'Twas odd her delaying, 
And still prefer staying 

("How could she!") a Miss, 
Alas ! one sad failing 
I weep in detailing, 
Made charms unavailing, 

Yidelicet, this. 

Indeed it was serious, 
Sad, and mysterious, 
Besides deleterious 
To all she came near : 



44 

You knew of her whereabout, 
So noisy and rare a rout 
Heard constantly thereabout, 
Kept people in fear. 

Through the bump " ruination," 
Or some conformation 
Beyond explanation 

Of body and arm, 
She broke and upset too, 
Half killed all she met too, 
Or soaked them with wet through, 

iSTot making them warm ! 

Have you never then heard 
Of the scene that occurred ? 
jNow indeed, 'pon my word, 

All I tell you is true. 
"With greater eclat 
Than the world ever saw 
(Though with one little flaw) 

She made her debut. 

The guests long assembled 
Impatience dissembled ; 
The hostess sore trembled 

Eor meat's overdone. 
We'll own it is trying 
To wait till eight, sighing 
Sotto voce " I'm dying, 

Ten pounds for a bun ! " 



45 

At length with a clattering 
The knocker loud battering, 
Arriving feet pattering 

Faint spirits revived. 
Then followed a crashing, 
Exclamations, glass smashing, 
And waterdrops dashing : 

Miss D — had arrived ! 

Perhaps I should state 
"What had made her so late ; 
The usual sad fate 

Her proceedings had traced. 
See ! that frock, never worn, 
Looking rather forlorn 
All crumpled, and torn 

From the neck to the waist. 

And that exquisite pink one, 
How dreadful to think on ! 
With splotches of ink on 

As black as my boot : 
And that blue one's bright texture 
Steeped in a rich mixture 
(Most likely a fixture) 

Of tallow and soot ! 

The servant announcing, 
Names loudly pronouncing 
Quick followed, in bouncing, 
Our dangerous friend ; 



46 

Many heads made a bump on 
With pitiless thump on, 
Bringing toes, with a plump on, 
To a violent end. 

For going down stairs now 
The hostess prepares to 
Send the party in pairs, u- 

niting them thus. 
" Yiscount Mould, Lady Musty. " 
" Colonel Mud; Mrs. Dusty. " 
" Sir Toad Stool, Miss Eusty. " 

" Lord Cabby, Miss Buss. " 

" Lord Charming, Miss D — ." 
(Still incog, she must be). 
Well contented was she 

When, with lowly salaam, 
Grace and courtesy blending, 
Politely low bending, 
His elbow extending, 

My Lord gave his arm. 

Lord Charming had station, 
Heart, mind, education; 
Much above the creation 

His pedigree ran : 
Young, handsome, and rich, 
With eyes dark as pitch, 
What housemaids call " sich 

A de-licious young man ! " 



47 

With his partner delighted 

He got so excited 

By dessert he'd have plighted 

Most likely, his troth : 
But 'twas rather dismaying, 
To the vows he was paying 
Her fingers kept playing 

A tune on the cloth. 

" This is funny behaviour 
" To thump like a paviour,* 
" Never lending a grave ear, 

" Nor noticing me. 
" Those fingers, " 'od rot 'em," 
" Since St. Vitus has got 'em, 
" I wish at the bottom " 

(So he mused) " of the sea." 

'"Will nothing engage her? 
" Does she play for a wager 
" That triple bob major 

" On her plate with a spoon ? 
" What a 'Devil's tattoo!' 
" Pray stop — that will do — 
" No ! she's thumping anew 

The detestable tune ! " 

But worse things were coming 
To my lord, than mere numming, 
Or innocent strumming ; 
Her elbow goes flap ; 



48 



And with dreadful commotion 
(Just guess his emotion !) 
He receives a whole ocean 
Of soup in his lap. 

All over his waistcoat, 

Down the tails of his dresscoat, 

(E'en his boots in a mess float) 

The rich fluid spurts. 
Like Aaron's fine ointment 
Which on his appointment 
Prom his head's highest point went 

All down to his skirts. 

"Now dinner was ended 
The ladies ascended, 
Lord C's spirits mended, 

Eejoiced to be free. 
Ever since, when invited, 
He says, " ! delighted, 
But don't kill me quite dead 

By asking Miss D — ." 

Our unfortunate Miss 

Barred from Nuptial bliss, 

Long languished a mis- 
anthropic old maid : 

She set up a tabby, 

Her temper got crabby, 

Her cheeks became flabby, 
Her manners quite staid. 



49 

But an old cavalier, 
In his dotage we fear, 
Of her own age or near, 

(That's to say sixty three,) 
In vain having tried all 
Other dames for a bridal, 
Getting quite suicidal, 

Proposed to Miss D — . 

Gentle reader, this line 

Prom the bride, begs you'll join 

JSText Monday, at nine, 

The connubial group. 
Your'e coming I'll tell her : 
Old clothes you may well wear, 
And bring your umbrella 

In case there is soup. 



NEW JONATHAMISMS. 



1 . " Madam, your fly is waiting," as the spider ob- 
served to his wife who was too lazy to eat her breakfast. 

2. " How nice you look ! " as the Ojibbeway said as he 
smacked his lips and looked at a settler he had caught. 



50 



3. "I feel the force of your argument " as the refractory 
culprit said when the Policeman hit him on the 
head with his staff. 

4. " No more fish, thank you " as Jonah soliloquized on 
getting ashore. 

5. "You will find ' Rowland's Macassar oil' a most 
valuable preparation for promoting the growth of 
hair, " as the Tartar remarked to an enemy whom 
he had just scalped. 

6. " My dancing days are over " as the Will-o'-the- 
Wisp said when they drained the fen. 

7. " I'm passionately fond of children " as the wolf 
observed on abstracting a fat baby. 

8. "He expresses more curiosity than he really feels' ' as 
the author remarked of a note of interrogation. 

9 " How you made me jump to be sure " as the cat 

exclaimed with a groan on springing on a sparrow 
at the top of a high rosebush. 

10 " The tale is a fiction though founded on fact," as the 

horsedealer said on grafting a fine flowing artifi- 
cial switch of horse -hair on the bare stump of an 
old nag. 



OLD JONATHA1STSMS. 



Triste feretrum ! " as Juvenal exclaimed with a shudder 
on tasting some "Winchester College beer. 



51 

" Dulcedecus" as Yirgil observed of a sugarplum ornament 

" Me percussit campus," that is, "I have been smitten 
by the plain " as a Roman belle observed on marrying 
a gentleman of very limited personal attractions. 

" Sic petitur coelum" as Mr. Green said on going up in 
his balloon ; and " ventis debes ludibrium " as he 
added on sending offan adventurous lady in a p arachute . 

" Mmium premendo littus iniquum" " Which I think 
has been your case " asa gentleman was bold enough 
to say to the Bishop of Exeter when he put Mr. 
Shore in prison. 

" Gratia dis ! " as Ovid cried on winning a game of back- 
gammon. 

" Me penes est vasti custodia mundi" as the keeper of 
Mr. Wyld' s great globe at Leicester square soliloquized. 

" Hinc canere incipiam " as the kettle murmured 
when the fire began to get very hot. 

" Nube candentes humeros amictus " as the traveller 
said of Mont Blanc. 

" Heu nimis longo satiate ludo " asa lady apostrophized 
her little boy who fell asleep in the Pantomine. 

" Sine fraude crines " — Praise which Horace would have 
felt to be inapplicable to the luxuriant tresses of 
certain ladies not so young as formerly. 

" Exuerint sylvestrem animum, cultuque frequenti, 

In quascunque voces artes haud tarda sequentur, " 
Such was Virgil's meditation on seeing a set of rustics 
undergoing their first drill for the militia. 



52 



"ELOISA TO ABELARD." 

OR A LETTER FROM A HOUSEMAID TO HER TRUANT SWEETHEART. 



Come back ! thou gay deceiver, 
Restore thy truant love 
To her as sits a griever 
Thy lorn and widdered duv. 

My heart is broke I fear me 
"While for my swain I pant ; 
Come back my hown and cheer me, 
For thou art all I want. 

Bring back that face divine, 
Them golden tresses gay ; 
Them eyes which brightly shine 
Eclipsing quite the day. 

Under these chesnut treeses 
I want them accents dear 
Yich fell like visperin' breezes 
Upon my wirgin ear. 

Even your old umbrello, 
The very clothes you wear, 
That pair of slippers yellow, 
To me are are always dear. 



53 

Thy battered hat I dote on 
(Thy odd-shaped head it suits); 
The stock thy long thin throat on 
And e'en — those old cloth boots I 

In doin' of the fender 
I rub and cry and sob, 
And with my veepins tender 
I've rusted all the hob. 

Or if I ply my brush 
To make the oil-cloth shiny, 
My eyes full fountains gush, 
And make the suds all briny. 

So, conquered by despair, 
Aside my tub I lay, 
Obliged to give the stair- 
carpets a jubbilee. 

How I forgets myself ! 
Absent, through thoughts of thee, 
Going to the store-room shelf 
I took no tithe of tea ! ! 

To leave me after wooing me 
Would really be too bad ; 
Think how you'd have been doing me 
Of the swains I might have had. 



54 

Tummas, dear, 'tis cruel 
To leave me thus alone. 
Come back my flower, my jewel, 
My beautiful, my own ! 

Can I forget thee ? never ! 
no ! whate'er betide, 
Believe me, I am ever 
Thine own devoted bride. 

her 
Polly X Scrubbins 
mark. 



SERENADE OE THE SENTIMENTAL 
SHOPKEEPER. 



" Bright angel of my destiny ! 
Hear thy fond lover's prayer ! 
(I thought as much, those horrid spikes 
Have made a dreadful tear.) 

" "Why tarriest thou, mine own adored, 
So cruelly, to bless 

These eyes ? (her mistress don't allow 
No followers, I guess.) 






55 

w "Why art so coy ? o hide not, love, 
That countenance so rich 
In each angelic charm divine ! 
(Lor' how my chilblains itch !) 

" Can'st then unworthy thraldom brook ? 
Can'st bend to tyranny ? 
Nay, thither flee where wait for thee 
Love, (and a one-horse fly.) 

" Take refuge here, within these arms 
No evil need'st thou fear ; 
( ! if their surly footman John 
Should come and catch me here !) 

" Behold, what vistas bright of wealth 
And bliss before thee shine ! 
(A tidy business in the wood, 
Coal, and potatoe line.) 

" See too this token, love, I plead, 
The vow thou mad'st herewith ; 
(Yes, Martha, yes, you promised me 
That you'd be Mrs. Smith.) 

H Think' st thou I could desert thee then 
In danger, death, or woe ? 
(There's some one at the pantry door ! 
Eerhaps I'd better go.)" 

[Exit with considerable precipitation,] 



56 



ANSWERS TO COEEESPONDENTS. 

FROM THE SECOND NUMBEE OF " THE RUSHLIGHT. " 



L.C. Henry VIII did not marry Boadicea an the morn- 
ing after the battle of Marathon. 

H.P. Cicero was, we believe, lessee of the Haymarket 
Theatre in 1789. ♦ 

H.E.P. Cows eyes are not generally made of sugar, 
though those of bulls sometimes are. 

E.M.P. " Venice Preserved " is not a pickle. 

C.M.E. The Great St. Leger was never, to our recollec- 
tion, won by a towel horse. 

A.E.J. The elephant who broke his trunk last year was 
admitted to the hospital for disorders of the chest. 

C.H.B. Gold and silver fish are spawned from those 
which are hung at the doors of fishing tackle 
shops. 

J.L.R. " Erench leaves " are not always taken from the 
gardens in the Tuilleries. Botanically, they 
belong to the natural order " coolhandaceee." 

M.A.J* The book called " Mason's Gray" is an account 
of a favourite white nag of Mr* Mason'g. 



57 

ff.F. Mr. Moses had not quite finished painting his 
mart in the minories when he led the Israelites 
through the Eed Sea. 

W.D.S. Kaphael's " lodges " were not at the entrance 
of his park 



EBOM THE SAME. 



NOTICE TO TALLOW CHAKDLEES AND OTHEES; 



We wish strongly to recommend to public notice the 
valuable patent matches of Misses # and Company,, 
by which this Eushlight was rekindled. There is nothing 
deleterious in their composition, which consists simply 
of a grain of fun, two ditto of good temper, and one 
fourth of a grain of nonsense. "We are about to issue 
a second order for these matches, and hope to receive 
some specimens also from other patentees, as those only 
who help to kindle the Eushlight can enjoy it's light 
The patent bellows of the above spirited firm have also 



58 



been found remarkably effective in blowing young sparks 
into a flame. We venture in conclusion to express a hope 
that all the young ladies of our acquaintance will make 
good matches. 



- A FABLE. 

[Addressed to * # in danger from a fair cousin 
staying with him.] 



There walked in a garden, slow, sober, sedate, 

A Youth, plunged in deep meditation ; 
Eor the serious question of changing his state, 
And taking the charming Miss * for his mate, 

"Was the theme of his deliberation. 

His heart whispered " marry," but prudence said " no 

No wonder his mind was distracted i 
Till a small globe of froth, like a flake of fresh snowi 
Many-coloured as Iris's glittering bow> 

Our ponderer's notice attracted * 



i)i 



59 



Bed, yellow, and violet, purple, and green, 

"Were refracted therein and reflected ; 
[Such things you, sweet reader, must often have seen, 
And therefore know perfectly well what I mean] 

— Little bubbles in parties collected. 

Our friend, the phenomenon further to see, 

Curiosity tempted to linger ; 
And he took, greatly wondering what it might be, 
[For the truth must be owned, a sad Cockney was he] 

The froth on the tip of his finger. 

Then wishing ulterior search to pursue 

As to what such a ball might contain, 
He breathed on it : sudden ! each gossamer hue 
Disappeared, and the bubbles dispersed into dew 

In an infinitesimal rain. 

The bubbles and rainbow were gone, and behind 
There remained, to his finger tight clinging, 

A green little maggot, round, bloated, and blind, 

In a very unaimiable cross frame of mind, 
Which it showed by incessantly stinging. 

" Even so," mused our Coelebs, " does Hymen's stern reign 

" Light frothy appearances banish; 
" "When the fair fisher- woman has netted her swain, 
" Accomplishments thenceforth neglected remain, 

" And graces illusory vanish. 



60 

" And man, silly dupe, when he thinks that a ring 

" Has the love of an angel secured, 
" Dismayed, clasps a grublike inanimate thing, 
" "Which, (if not exactly possessed of a sting,) 

" Has a tongue that can never be " cured." 

" So then many thanks, little maggot, to thee 

" For affording such food for reflection; 
[Here he gently replaced the small grub on a tree} 
'• For the fair all my feelings in future shall be 
" Confined to Platonic affection." 



BLAEKTEY CASTLE. 



[We need not insult the reader by observing that kissing: 

the "Blarney stone" is supposed to secure the faculty 

of eloquence.] 



Nobody of course thinks of visiting Cork without seeing 
the celebrated castle and groves of Blarney, which are 
only three or four miles distant from the city. The 
castle is a rather picturesque old ruin with a high tower. 
The " Groves " consists of some pretty gardens adjoining. 



61 



Wishing of course to do the whole duty of " Tourists," 1 
and at the same time improve our command of our verna- 
cular by kissing the Blarney Stone, we desired to have- 
that famous mineralogical specimen pointed out to us, for 
the purpose of paying our respects to it in the orthodox 
fashion. Our guide, a half- fossilized old lady, as wrink- 
led and tanned as a Normandy pippin, showed us first a 
stone of inferior virtue, which she insisted must be kissed 
previously to the one which is so celebrated as the con- 
ferrer of fluency. We obediently went through this 
preparatory ceremonial with as much tender seriousness 
as we could muster. When however our friend pro- 
ceeded to suggest that we should extend our endearments 
to five or six other stones, each rougher than the last, we 
began to be apprehensive that we were being put through 
an initiatory system or course of salutation-practice ? , 
designed to introduce us gradually to the far sterner 
labour of an amatory performance on the undainty cheek 
of the antiquated old Gorgon herself. Kissing the flints 
was simply silly, but we felt that on the question of the 
old Irishwoman, our feelings, not to say stomachs, would 
have recoiled from any projects of approach, as decisively 
as they are said to forbid the still we believe unachieved 
feat of eating a sugared oyster. We therefore declined to 
operate on more than three or four stones, and so preserved 
our lips from a state of excoriation which would have 
proved an effectual bar to fluency, and involved the 
necessity of resort to liberal applications of cold cream 
and lipsalve. The fact (it is said) is, that the real stone 
of gift-of- the- gab-conferring efficacy holds an exalted 



62 



situation halfway up the Castle wall, and is therefore 
inaccessible to the general public. A giraffe indeed might 
possibly avail itself of it's advantages, but those animals 
lave hitherto manifested a singular absence of excitement 
on the subject, amounting indeed to a totally apathetic 
indifference to the opportunities of self-improvement 
"which are thus open to them. We cannot say that we 
found our powers of expression materially extended by 
our visit to Blarney. Prom subsequent experience, I 
am disposed to think that the apple market at Cork is the 
best school for acquiring the gift of fluency. It must 
however be confessed that the particular style of oratory 
there displayed is apt to become at times over impassion- 
ed ; and, under the impulse of excitement, the " argumenta 
ad hominem," or more properly speaking, " ad fo3minam,' , 
are occasionally more florid in their character than a severe 
and rigid chastity of style might sanction. On the oc- 
casion of my visit to the Mart in question, a little playful 
badinage was going on between certain of the female 
dispensers of the bounties of Pomona, which resulted 
eventually in the irruption of a strong body of constabulary, 
and the incarceration, after a desperate scrimmage, and a 
lamentable destruction of pipes, of all parties engaged in 
the discussion. It was our sad fate at school some years 
since, to be dragged through a classical treatise on the Art 
of eloquence, of most depressing dreariness. The dull cut- 
and-dried maxims and precepts which the author therein 
inculcates, though couched no doubt in exquisite Latin, 
form as dusty a collection of rubbish as devoid of any 
practical utility or interest as ever were compiled by man. 



63 



It still makes us yawn to think of the drowsy hours that 
we used to spend over the interminable pages of that 
hateful disquisition ; to be roused after a time, perhaps, 
from a state of calm desperation into the activity of de- 
risive indignation at the wretchedness of the miserable 
quibbles which the Author proposes as model jokes. 
Therefore, gentle reader, should you be afflicted with a 
monomania for becoming an orator, and are bent on 
employing all the artificial methods of attaining that 
desired consummation, eschew " Cicero de Oratore." 
Go rather to Blarney. Kiss affectionately all the stones 
in it's old walls, till the friction has filed down your nose 
from that exquisite aquiline (for which, without knowing 
you, we give you, in our friendliness, unhesitating credit) to 
the form of a fiatbottomed turnip radish. Excoriate your lips 
till youhave amassed a tall pyramid of empty pommade pots 
on your dressing table, and communicated a feverish 
animation to the lipsalve trade ; and finally, crown your 
martyrdom by the culminating penance of embracing the 
Gorgon. You have our best wishes for your preserva- 
tion through that formidable ordeal. 



ME. BELL. 



j [Mr. Yores, incumbent of the Church of St. Mary-in-the- 
hill at Hastings, gave, in the winter of 1848, readings of 



64 



Macaulay's History of England to parties of ladies who 
worked during the process ; whence the reunions came tc 
have the name of "Working parties." Envious persons 
said that spinster ladies found the handsome curate Mr. 
Bell a greater attraction than Macaulay. Miss Eleanor * 
while dressing for a "Working party" was overheard 
to soliloquize in the following manner, which may per- 
haps elucidate the point respecting Mr. Eell.] 

How nice these small reunions are ! 

Our Yicar reads so well ; 
(Besides one rather likes to meet 

That charming Mr. Bell.) 

The Hastings spinsters mightily 

Do dote upon the Pel- 
ham Chapel, but the attraction is 

The enchanting " Chapel Bell." 

The " Chapel " I too own I love 
When 'tis without the l el/ 

Eor o ! the " chap " is my delight 

The handsome Mr. Bell. 

How rapturously I gaze upon 

Those whiskers, and the del- 
icate complexion of that dear 

Delightful Mr. Bell, 

Such teeth ! such eyebrows, and such eyes ! 
Such fingers, and such el- 



65 

egant feet, and so sweet a voice 
Has the melodious Bell. 

Its " bells " let Canterbury boast ; 

The Scotch vow their' s excel, 
But ! their Uu^ejls never will 

Compare with* "that 'ere bell." (harebell!) 

The other night our gazes met 

then it was I fel- 

t Macaulay not alone was re(a)d 
When I saw Mr. Bell. 

We supped ; with love and extacy 

1 felt my bosom swell ; 

How sweet did seem each ice and cream 
When brought by Mr. Bell. 

But much I fear small chance have I 

"Within his heart to dwell ; 
For all the ladies set their caps 

To < cap'tivate the Bell. 

The Misses D, Miss B, Miss E,, 
And J — ss — e, J — e, and N — 11, 

Miss Sm — th, Miss Cr — ke, and fifty more 
All pulling at this Bell. 

Though envious ladies say you think 

Of charming more than rel- 
igion, yet I will always be 

Your " clapper," Mr, Bell. 



66 

If I were Queen, the very first 

Bishopric that vacant fell 
I'd give to you, end put you in 

The se(e)a my diving-Bell. 

Gladly a Cockney would I be 
'Mid London smoke to dwell, 

Always to he within the sound 
Of my beloved " Beau-Bell." 

The other night be " wrung " my hand 
Whispering I was "a belle;" 

"But o ! thought I, do drop the " e," 
And call me Mrs. Bell. 

If to my heart " a-peal " he'd made, 
I'd have become his (k)nell ; 

Besides, 'twould be a novelty 
To be " ringed" by a Bell. 



AN INCIDENT IN CHESTER TEEEACE, 
MAY 29th, 1850. 



The blazing tide of yellow light 
Ebbed down the western sky. 



67 

And shadowy evening's filmy mists 
CLept onward stealthily. 

What time the timid violet 

Yeiled her bright eye's gay beam 

Lest the cold clammy dews of night 
Should dim it's golden gleam. 

Two nymphs, at such soft witching hour, 

Their lovely forms displayed 
To careless graceful ease resigned 

Beneath the greenwood shade : 

In converse sweet ; but suddenly 

They start, and gaze around, 
Like wild-deer, when with beating heart 

She hears the opening hound. 

Nay, foolish tremblers, start not thus ; 

~No impious voice or eye 
Of dull gross child of clay would dare 

To invade your privacy. 

'Twas but the sorrowing nightingale 

Wooing the modest rose ; 
Or the beetle humming his drowsy song 

To lull you to repose. 

Perchance 'twas that the Zephyr, while 

With irolicsome caresses 
He gambolled, tossing merrily 

Yon willows soft green tresses, 



68 

Alas ! too late repenting him 

Of play ungently rash, 
Hassome too delicate a stem 

Snapped with a tiny crash. 

But list ! that warning voice again ! 

The nymphs look up, and see 
A most nn-Zephyr-like thing who roars 

" Jess ! will you come to tea. !" 



OX THE VIEW FKOM THE FAULHOBK 



" surely scene was never wrought 
" By Nature's wizard hand 

" In her bright fancy's happiest mood 
" So beautiful and grand ! 

So mused I, as on Eaulhorn's side 

One afternoon I lay, 
And from that glorious i belvedere ' 

Watched the declining day. 

In front the Giant Wetterhorn 
Like some grim fortress rose ; 



i 



69 



And his glacier-robe swept his feet below 
"With a glittering train of snows. 

Above, the mighty piles of ice 
(So wondrously they gleamed 

Tower on tower, spire on spire,) 
Like fairy city seemed. 

Sudden, as sank the sun, those peaks 

Of Crystal clear and cold, 
As though by touch of alchemist, 

Glowed deep like molten gold. 

Long time I fain would there have stayed 

Eegardless of the advance 
Of evening with her chilling dews, 

"Wrapped in delicious trance. 

But envious clouds of threatening hue 

Across the sky 'gan hurry ; 
And the wind brought a whispered sound 

" Matilda ! where' s our Murray? " 



A LECTURE AT THE ROTUNDA AT DUBLIN. 



One evening during the dull season at Dublin, my atten- 
tion (as I prowled about in search of amusement) was 
attracted by a notice that Mrs. * * would lecture 



70 

in one of the rooms at the Botunda on something con- 
nected with the encumbered-estates-commission, but 
what particular point the lady had selected for elucidation 
appeared not by the advertisement, nor, subsequently, did 
she herself appear to have formed any very definite notions 
on the subject. She sat, poor soul, in a sort of ambush 
waiting for her prey at the door of the lecture room, with 
a mighty bundle of tickets and a capacious money bag, 
fondly deluding herself with the expectation that half the 
elite of Dublin were coming to be enlightened ; but at the 
time of my arrival there were only two or three, or it 
might have been four, people in the room, one of whom, 
from the vehement periodical gratification that he mani- 
fested at precisely regular intervals during the course of 
the lecture, suggested the suspicion that he enjoyed the 
advantage of not being altogether unconnected with the 
lady lecturess. There were also two little boys (who 
could not be supposed to be attracted by any particularly 
vivid interest in the working of the Encumbered-estates- 
commission) so very much better behaved than little boys 
usually are or ought to be, in fact so painfully and un- 
naturally good, as to cause strong misgivings in the minds 
of the other spectators that they had the proud privilege 
of calling our instructress mama. The audieuce having 
swelled at last to the number of eight, the lecturess began 
her discourse with a most woefully and intolerably 
dull history of somebody's pedigree. Happily, how- 
ever, for us, some dancing dogs and monkies were 
performing in the next room, so that we had the full 
benefit of the music, and of the cheerful gushes of 



71 



merriment proceeding from the spectators of the rival 
entertainment. Being unwilling to wound the good 
lady's feelings by manifesting a want of interest in her 
discourse, I glided gradually and silently to the door, 
and stealthily emanated thereby ; but as the rest of the- 
audience, taking the hint, appeared almost instantaneous- 
ly in a similar manner in the pasage, the probabilities are 
strongly in favour of our talented friend's having finished 
her evening in a strictly quiet and domestic manner, in 
the society of her husband and two little boys. I hope- 
so! 



A Lady having observed that a certain person was very 

like his Dog Billy, the individual in question thus 

acknowledged the compliment. 

Now do you really mean to say 

A likeness you can see ? 
A very handsome fellow then 

I certainly must be ! 

You flatter though, for Billy's face 

Is fair, and mine's a dark one, 
Like coal-black-Rose's, whose jet cheek 

Ink made a snowy mark on ! * 

• (Aj being so much lighter In colour.) 



72 



Perhaps if he wrote poetry, 

That might resemble mine. 
My English rhymes are " doggrel " verse, 

Mj Latin verse, " canine. " 

But, grateful for the compliment, 

I hope you'll ever find 
Your friends, like Billy, always prove 

Unchanging, firm, and kind. 

These qualities so excellent 

Most prominently show, 
But many, not so obvious, 

Lie unobserved below. 

Tell him a secret ; on his faith 

You safety may depend : 
A resolute protector, he, 

An entertaining friend ; 

Eor when gay wit exhausted flags, 

And mirth begins to fail, 
Billy alone is never found 

Without a " waggish ta(i)le." 

In all his ways he shows himself 

A pattern of gentility ; 
To no one ever offered, he 

The slightest incivility. 

Except the affair of honour once 
"With the detested Rattz, 



73 

And the slight misunderstanding with 
The family of Kattz. 

Of " puppyism " in his youth 

He suffered much accusal, 
But failings common to his race 

May surely claim excusal. 

No misdemeanour e'er has he 

Been guilty of, save one ; 
[And pray what saint could say as much ?] 

He stole a mutton bone. 

And readily did we forgive 

That first and last offence, 
For no one ever shewed so much 

Unfeigned penitence. 

In fine, if people generally 

Had a few more of his 
Good qualities, the world would be 

Much better than it is. 

Farewell ! and for the compliment 

You've paid me, I intend 
To rank you, after Billy, my 

Most venerated friend. 



74 



NEW WORDS TO THE " IVY GREEN 

Tide Pickwick, Chaptee 6. 



a brisk young blade is the lively fl — a I 

A forager brave and bold ! 

Like a jolly fat alderman revelletb he, 

And feasteth on young and old. 

O'er Queen and o'er beggar alike he goes 

To tickle his dainty whim, 

And the soft little plump little baby's nose 

Is a delicate meal for him. 

Creeping — creeping — creeping where no life you se> 
A brisk young blade is the lively f — . 

Whole ages shall pass and their works decay, 

And nations be scattered quite ; 

But changes and chances never shall stay 

Our friend's lively appetite. 

O'er featherbeds hopping, his maw to fill, 

At midnight still wandereth he : 

Eor highest and lowest we all must still 

Be food for the lively f — . 

Creeping — Creeping — &c , 



75 



THE 'NEW REFORM RILL.'* 



'Tis a trite observation enough, that a rage 
Eor rapid advance is the mark of our age. 
Lo ! daily achieving fresh victories, Science 
Old Error triumphantly sets at defiance. 
Whole tribes of deep mysteries ending in " ology '* 
Are studied, except oar old friend the mythology. 
ISTo wonder 'tis so, for King Jupiter far 
In power and pride is eclipsed by the Czar, 
And the great Hebrew melodist, musical Moses, 
More wonderful strains than Apollo composes. 
The testy old Juno with envy has seen 
How heartily Englishmen doat on their Queen, 
And is fain to acknowledge, in matters of state, 
Her notions of government quite out of date. 
At length, as we hope, after much hesitation 
The Court of Olympus intends alteration : 
Should such a Reform Bill be passed, we presume 
The Muses will don the new Bloomer Costume. 
Terpsichore chiefly will relish the notion 
In polking 'twill greatly facilitate motion : 
And shortly her talented sister Thalia, 
"No longer from Phoebus will borrow his lyre, 
But something entirely different, which is 
Inconceivable wholly videlicet — — — , 






76 



Other deities, mimicking their good example, 

On their old-fashioned garments and habits -will trample :: 

In long satin skirts then Apollo will rustle, 

And grace adventitious acquire by a . 

Diana will follow the fashion so far 

As to talk of casinos, and smell of cigar : 

Sweet Yenus will revel in waistcoats, like Toots, * 

And stump about Delos in Wellington boots. 

Our friend Colonel Mars will appear on parade 

With the new " metropolitan rifle brigade ; " 

And learned Minerva will mount a cravat, 

For a helmet, a " patent collapsible hat : " 

And the wicked who dare with Jove's thunders to trifle- 

Will be shot ' at long range ' by his minie rifle. 

The Syrens, those dangerous flirts, shall not harm 

Poor sailors decoyed by their musical charm ; 

But returning at last to behaviour much properer 

Will from their " Strand theatre " come to the Opera, 

And cause only "storms" of applause, and make "squalls" 

For those who can " raise enough wind" for the stalls. 

Old Neptune will yield his command of the main ; 

(Screw Steamers have lately usurped his domain) : 

And Bacchus must turn "total-abstinence" lecturer, 

Since people enamoured of " Soyer's rich nectar " are. 

Poor Mercury's all in the dumps, for alas! 

With him, things are come to a terrible pass ; 

Like other " conveyancers," sadly ill-paid, 

And railways are utterly spoiling his trade. 

2f« chance of his having to carry a letter, 

* Vide "David Copperfield-"' 



77 



That's done for a penny so very much better ; 
Tor heavier matters the gods vote him slow, 
And have taken to patronize Piekford and Co. ; 
And as to express-work, that Wheatstoue has wreckeditalL 
And "put out his pipe " with his horrid electrical ; 
"With a rival like that competition was vain, 
Ten questions a second, and answered again ! 
Tis said that a lucrative part of his trade is 
To marshall poor ghosts to the regions of Hades ; 
But railways and quacks, with their murderous tricks,. 
Absorb all the traffic from hence to the Styx. 
So indeed, though the change of condition is sad, 
He'd be glad of a place as an omnibus " cad," 
Or to flame in the Company's glowing red livery 
Of the " London and General parcels delivery." 
Soon will Pluto be forced by the march of the age 
To abdicate Hades, and come on the stage ; 
Por Tisiphone's halls, and the Stygian fen, 
Are pleasant retreats as compared with Cayenne : 
And Cerberus snarling with triple-toothed armoury 
Is'nt half such a Tartar as Paris gendarmerie. 
Ere long then at Astley's his dreadful ex-majesty 
Will appear in the pantomime " Pluto Eex, travesties"* 
To the wild inexpressible gratification 
Of little boys home for the Christmas vacation : 
See ! he waggles a huge Brobdignagian head, 
And wields for a sceptre a pitchfork instead, 
With a nose all phosphoric, and flame-coloured crown r 
Till presto ! begone ! change ! and lo ! he is clown ! 



78 
SURELY YOU MUST BE MISTAKEN.' 5 



A TEAGEDY, JN OXE ACT. 



Dramatis Persona. 

Mrs. Easydupe, a lady of confiding charity. 

Monsieur Polisson Scapin, a French political refugee, not 

sufficiently appreciated in English Society. 
Police Constable W, of the E division. 



Scene. A lady's morning room ; breakfast things and 

several letters on the table. Enter Mrs. Easydupe. 
" Come, Come, a pretty tolerable crop of letters this morn- 
ing ! more than usual I think, though the Postman is 
always pretty liberal in his favours to me. Since 
engaging myself so actively in the service of charitable 
institutions I am sometimes quite flooded with communi- 
cations respecting them. Let us see what the first letter 
has to say for itself : (looking at the seal) " P.J.I.E.P." 
on the seal; o yes, the " Propagation of the Jews in 
foreign parts." I believe our operations are now on a 
very extended scale ; (reads) merely the usual circular. 
(Taking another) what is this ? yes, I guessed as much, 
-" The Australian-aborigines-and-general-barbarian-ame- 
lioration-and-molrification-soeiety." Capital undertaking 
this ! (reads) want more funds they say ; well they shall 
have them, and most welcome. I cannot think how it is 
that we do not get more subscriptions. I should have 



79 



supposed now that we should have had great difficulty in 
controuling the eagerness of the crowd of applicants, who 
would have been anxious to engage in a project of such 
peculiar interest. Next, (taking another letter) comes a 
note from our worthy secretary of the " Ojibbeway-moral- 
and-religious-tract-distribution-institute." Now there is 
some difference, I am aware, in the judiciousness of 
various charitable undertakings, however otherwise- 
praiseworthy, but I am quite sure there can be none 
about this. They tell me that those poor benighted savage 
Ojibbeways actually eat one another ! How shockingly 
wrong ! So unwholesome too ! It is to be feared that they 
must be lamentably deficient in sound principle. How- 
ever there are now good grounds for hoping that such 
objectionable practices will soon cease, for our society's 
beautiful little tracts can scarcely fail to exert the most 
salutary influence. I am sure those engaging little vil- 
lage tales "Tidy Tommy," "Maria Meekly," and "Simple 
Sally " would mollify the most savage heart. I do'nt 
remember bye the bye that anything was done about 
translating them into the Ojibbeway language; and 
possibly, after all, those wild people might not be able to 
read, supposing they had been translated ; or at any rate 
might not be at all inclined to take the trouble to do so : 
however, we must hope of course for the best. Now for 
number three, (takes another letter). this it seems 
is an invitation to join a newly formed society which has, 
apparently, a most laudable object in view. It calls itself 
" The Caffre trouser-aad-petticoat-introduction-associa- 
tion." Such a plan mast, I am sure, recommend itself 



80 



1;o any one with even the faintest notions of propriety. 
1 will certainly write to the Secretary, and desire him to 
add my name to the list of members : and, by the way, 
it occurs to me that it may be desirable to suggest to him 
at the same time, that as we shall have to speak of the 
matter in mixed assemblies, we should, for obvious reasons, 
modify our title into the " Canre-inexpressible-and-in- 
conceivable-recommendation-association." What comes 
next? (taking another letter). " The Omnibus drivers' 
gratuitous-cold-beef-distribution-society. " I am sure we 
■are doing right there : a thing of the kind was so much 
wanted ; as is conclusively proved by the prodigious con- 
sumption of cold beef, which I am happy to say is most 
unparalleled ; amounting indeed to something quite 
preternatural, and forming a striking social phenomenon 
•of a deeply interesting and pleasing character. Then here 
(taking another letter) is an humble solicitation for a 
•contribution to the " Coalheavers' white kid glove fund;" 
also (taking another letter) a similar request on behalf of 
the " Philanthropic institution for the protection of London 
cats." Here (taking another letter) we have a report 
from the " Cabmen and general ablution alliance :" also, 
(taking another letter) a circular from the " Small Sweep 
sympathetic society." Poor dear little boys ! I'm sure 
I would' nt have any chimney of mine swept on any 
account (though the soot does come down rather too copi- 
ously at times) for fear they should make one of those 
poor little innocent victims climb up it. I am glad to 
find this (taking another letter) because it is a little note 
from a society which I have at heart perhaps more than 



81 



any other, " The Charity- Children- chilblain-lotion-dis- 
pensary." "We relieved, in the course of last winter, 
more than ten thousand little sufferers, afflicted by an 
aggregate amount of fifteen thousand chilblains. I'm 
rejoiced to hear (opening another letter) from Mrs. 
I^oodlesoft that the " Charitable-convict-conciliation- 
company " is so flourishing. I cannot think what the 
poor dear people who are so unfortunate as to be trans- 
ported, would do on their return to this country, unless 
somebody took care of them. And they really are, if 
people would only believe it, so extremely deserving. 
Their hearts are softened by their sufferings, for they 
always seem so good and gentle and grateful for the little 
help we give them, and are so sincere in their intentions 
of amendment. There was a most touching instance of 
the kind, which came under my own immediate notice. 
Let me see, what was his name ? Lovingspoon, I think. 
Well, he heard of our operations, and was anxious, with 
my poor assistance, again to become an useful member of 
society. I do not think he could ever have become an 
ornament also to society, poor fellow ! for he was so 
marked with the small-pox, and he had lost the bridge of 
his nose, and also had had one eye knocked out (by a fall 
down st?irs, I think he said) and he was moreover so unfor- 
tunate in the general expression of his countenance, that, 
as I said before, I do .not think he could ever have hoped 
to become an ornament to his country, physionomically 
considered. Well, the dear fellow used to come every 
day about luncheon time, in a sociable way, to consult me 
about his plans, and for a little general good advice : 



82 



and it was altogether so pleasant. Let me see, he came 
every day I think for a month — November, I think, no, 
December — no it was November after all. I recollect 
now, because it was just then that I lost my jewels, and 
he was so very sorry indeed about it. At last he could' nt 
come any more, for they most unjustifiably shut him up 
in Newgate. Poor dear fellow ! I never heard exactly 
what reason they alleged for treating him so harshly, 
except that it was something in connexion with some 
spoons. They must have been all sadly mistaken if they 
suspected him of stealing, for I never saw a person so 
earnestly good. I remember hearing that when they 
searched him at the Station House, they found a great 
deal of ladies' jewellery upon him, most likely some or- 
naments which the good generous soul had saved up his 
little earnings to buy as a present for somebody. How- 
ever it was an unlucky circumstance that he happened to 
have them about him just then, because it was so liable 
to misinterpretation by people who did'nt know the 
sterling worth of his character so well as I did. Yes, 
I remember their saying (as if that was any corroboration 
of the justice of their suspicions !) that one of the rings 
they found upon him had Lord Goldnose'& name on it. 
Now my poor friend was acquainted with Lord Goldnose, 
at least he told me once that he had been at Lord Gold- 
nose's house one night, and he smiled too, I recollect, 
when he mentioned the circumstance (his smile was any- 
thing but pleasant certainly !) and I dare say he took up 
the ring then by mistake ; he was so absent. On one 
occasion he put my smelling bottle into his pocket, and 



83 

was so much obliged to me (as I happened to observe it) 
for calling his attention to the circumstance. Poor dear 
fellow ! so amiable and sociable, and so simple that a 
child might have led him, He was quite the idol of his 
friends, who had more scope than myself for observing 
his fine qualities. By way of endearment I am told that 
they never called him by his proper name, but addressed 
himby the playful little soubriquet of "the polite prigster." 
Well, well ! he is in Newgate, poor fellow ! Now I must 
just read this last letter, and then have breakfast. It is 
(opening it) in the handwriting of Aminadab Spoon, our 
excellent president of the " French-and-general-fugitive- 
foreigner friendship and fraternization society." What 
does he say ? (reads) " Dear Mrs. Easy dupe ; Knowing 
how warmly your dear, generous, and philanthropic heart 
interests itself in the practical working of our society, I 
have ventured to send you an individual, a most interest- 
ing person, at whose disposal I purpose placing some of 
the Society's funds. It is a case calculated to excite our 
deepest sympathy, while we rejoice that an opportunity 
is offered of proving indisputably to the world the admir- 
able utility of our institution. Monsieur Scapin Polisson 
(such is his name) is a distinguished political refugee, of 
a noble French family, and reduced by the revolution of 
1848 to embarrassed circumstances. He will relate to 
you his touching tale in his own thrilling words. He 
begged to be allowed to call on you, not with the view of 
soliciting pecuniary assistance, bnt merely to see and 
clasp by the hand Her whom he knows and loves already 
sis the friend and benefactress of his countrymen in mis- 



84 



fortune and to derive what little comfort he may from 
engaging your sympathy with him in his affliction. I 
have therefore presumed on your kindness so far as to 
venture to tell him that he might call on you tomorrow 
at ten o'clock. I am, dear Mrs, E, your's very faithfully, 
Aminadab Spoon." Dear me (looking at her watch) it is 
now just ten. I must get breakfast over before my 
visitor comes." (Bustles about, and presently a knock is 
heard at the door.) Enter Polisson Scapin. 
P. Scapin. "MadameEasydupe,yourtreshumileserviteur. 
I have solicited de honneur to make you dis 
leetle visite from your tres estimable ami le 
monsieur Aminadab Spoon. But I see dat 
your ladyship has not yet bad her dejeuner. 
Should you vish dat I should call at a 
leetle later?" 
Mrs. E. " by no means !. pray take a seat Mr. Scapin, 

May I offer you some breakfast ?" 
P. Scapin. " Tousand tanks, I am obliged innniment, 
mais non. Les malheurs, madame, m'ont 
enleve l'appetit des longtemps. I ask madame 
her pardon, but I no speak de goot English." 
Mrs. E. " Pray Sir, be seated. Allow me to offer 
you something. Pray try to eat : it will be 
prudent to take a morsel, if only for the sake 
of your health." 
P. Scapin. " Madame, you are an ange descendu des 
cieux ! I will take den de least leetle baga- 
telle." (pockets a spoon by way of carrying 
out his intentions, and begins eating vora- 
ciously). 



85 



Mrs. E. "I take the deepest interest in your afflictions,. 

Sir. If you will relate your story to me, 
you will find that I sympathize with you 
most cordially." 
P. Scapin. " Madame is too good — she is too kind — yes 
I shall make hertheconte of my misfortunes, 
and shall bless her for her sympathy with de 
malheureux." (laying one hand on his heart, 
and with the other surreptitiously 'adopting' 
another spoon.) "Madame, you see before 
you one of de noble famille de Scapin Polisson; 
de Scapin Polisson, who, de while notre tres 
cher Louis Philippe was on the trone was 
de friend — l'ami cheri of de king. We vas 
as brothers, there was no secret hid de one 
from the other, we had swored an amitie 
eternelle. Quant a moi, madame, I vas 
riche ; my chateau vere de king come to* 
make me de leetle visites yas de most joli of 
all de France. My hearth was entoure by 
de most beaux enfans of all de monde — six 
daughters with faces like de rose and eyes 
like de star, vat you call in England de 
bright vairies, and my Louise (with emotion) 
mon epouse— ah she vas. .,..." (sobs) (then 
raising his head and observing a portrait 
hanging on the wall) "mais que vois je ? vat 
is dat I see ? dat picture !" (points to it 
earnestly. Mrs. E. looks at it, whereon the 
Scapin takes the opportunity of abstracting 



86 



her smelling-bottle) who is dat r les yeux ! 

Tair divin ! les cheveux ! regardez madame ! 

(keeps her attention directed to the picture, 

while he successively pockets the sugar tongs, 

forks, &c.) oui ! — voyez ! — mais cene sepeut 

pas ! c'est impossible, and yet dereis but one 

being in de world with ces beaux yeux — oui 

c'est elle ni&me !" 

Mrs. E. " Sir ! that picture ? That is my portrait !" 

P. Scapin. "Ah Madame comme done je vous aime ! 

comme je vous adore ! (stretches forth his 

hands in an impassionate manner, and takes 

the opportunity of pouncing on her watch 

unobservedly). Madame, du fond dece cceur 

je (overcome) Madame, I said dat you 

vas an ange descendu des cieux, you so 
ressemblez to ma tres chere Marie." 
Mrs E. "I beg your pardon Sir! but I thought I 

understood you that her name was Louise.'' 1 
P. Scapin. (with confusion) "Ah y-e-e-s c'est Marie, 
but I did call her Louise as a petit soubriquet 
de tendresse, vat you call a leetle nicky 
name." 
Mrs. E. (aside) " Ah what a touching trait of charac- 

ter ! how charming these little peeps of the 
playfulness of domestic affection are !" 
(meanwhile the Scapin is pocketing a mis- 
cellaneous collection of articles.) " Pray 
dear Sir, continue your delightful narrative." 
I\ Scapin. (very seriously) " Madame, all dis bonheur 



87 



dont je jouissais vas tout a coup, all of de sud- 
den evanoui — like to a puff of fumee — Dere 
came de Revolution — mon ami — mon com- 
pagnon — mon frere — mon roi, vas arrache de 
mon sein and vos chasse de son trbne par 
de barbares republicains, and for dat dey did 
know dat I vas fidele to mon roi, dey make a 
conjuration for me to fall. One matin ven 
I vas at my chateau, dere come a party of 
de barbares — l'epee a la main — (I vas in my 
chambre) dey make prisonnieres of all my 
five daughters " 

Mrs. E. "Excuse me. I thought you said that your 

family consisted of six daughters.'' 

P. Scapin. (rather taken aback) " ah yes, so, oui, c'est 
vrai, it is juste — Madame is right — Madame 
a toujours raison — yes — six daughters — six. 
c'est vrai — but de sixieme vas a leetle boy 
you see. I not understand English ver bien." 

Mrs. E. il Pardon my interruption. I am dying to 

hear the event. Did they they take your 
children away ?" 

P. Scapin. "Ah Madame, oui, yes, dey vas all enleves, 
arraches before les yeux paternels — et mon 
epouse — mon Amelie — dat is to say ma 
Louise — je veux dire ma Marie — she try to les 
sauver — mais les barbares — ah malheur ! 
malheur ! dey cut off her head !" (covers his 
face with his handkerchief.) 

Mrs. E. " How excessively frightful !" (turns away 



with horror, whereupon the Scapin with his 
handkerchief still applied to one eye, puts 
out his hand sideways and appropriates her 
keys, in which he had appeared to take a 
lively interest for some minutes before.) 
P. Scapin. " Madame, I vas furieux — Je me suis jete 
sur les meurtriers ; but dey give me dis blow 
wid de sword on de head — you see here de 
mark, (points to a scar on his forehead) and 
then je suis tombe evanoui, and dey throw 
me into prison." 
Mrs. E. " My heart bleeds for you." 
P. Scapin. " Ven I vas a leetle retabli, de gendarmerie 
fetch me from de prison to the tribunal of de 
barbares : dey wish to make me swear de 
serment de les obeir toujours. But de only 
answer I make vas, La liberte ou la mort ! 
Den de chief of de juges — he threaten with de 
graves menaces dat he would cause dat I 
should be shot. Mais Je lui ai repondu, 
" Prappez, Tyran ; je mourai ; mais ce cceur 
ne se changera jamais !" (gets up and lays 
his hand melodramatically on his heart) 
" jamais ! jam (suddenly sees a police- 
man behind him who has entered unobserved 
a few moments before, and is watching the 
Scapin with a look calculated to raise serious 
apprehension of some hostile designs). Ta- 
bleau. (The Scapin immeasurably aghast.) 
(Police Constable "W, watchful and stiff, trying 



89 



Mrs. E. 



Policeman. 



Mrs. E. 

Policeman. 



to keep his truncheon quiet, which is rather- 
inclined to be restless. Mrs. Easy dupe looks 
on in an uncomfortable state of surprise and 
general mystification. At last Policeman 
W laconically remarks " JNow then !" 
P. Scapin. (Suddenly subsiding into most a most natu- 
ral and plebeian English vernacular) " Don't 
be hard on a covey !" 

" Goodness gracious me ! Policeman, what 
can you possibly want ?" 
" Him, Mum ; (pointing to the Scapin) he 
knows well enough — bit of a burglary job 
this time." 

" Surely, you must be mistaken " 
" Think not, mum. This here old jail-bird's 
pretty tolerable well known in the force. 
That ere cut over the heye there (points to 
the scar of which the Scapin had given so 
different an account) I guv him myself with 
this here truncheon last time but two as I 
took him up, 'cos he would'nt come along 
quiet like and pleasant. Here's the des- 
cription on him in the " Hue-and-Cry." 
(hands the paper to Mrs. E., who reads,) 
"Samuel Sullivan, commonly called " Slimy 
Sullivan," alias, "Jim Jinglepot," alias 
"the big Birmingham blackguard," alias 
"the Old Bailey Pet," alias "the Spicy 
Swindler." "But this gentleman's name 
is quite different." 



90 



Policeman, "0 he's got plenty o' names, mum;" 
" Foreigneering Flateatcher's" his most com- 
monest." 

Mrs. E. " But surely, good Mr. Policeman, you 

must be mistaken. The person whom you 
are in search of is described here as having 
no whiskers, and you see that" — (points to 
the large black bush adorning the chin of 
the Scapin.) 

Policeman. " Them ere whiskers is'nt fixtures, mum. 
(pulls them off.) They wasgrow'd onahoss's 
tail. They're like that old brass button 
there (pointing to the ornament the Scapin 
wears on his breast) wot he calls his " craw 
donnoor." 

Mrs. E. " It's utterly impossible, you surely must be 

mistaken altogether." 

Policeman. " Think not, mum. Come Sammy, muv on." 
(Policeman and the Scapin exeunt.) 

Mrs. E. (Id great agitation) "How exceedingly 

painful ! Surely he must be mistaken ! Really 
this is quite dreadful ! There must be some 
mistake ; but it makes me feel quite faint. 
Where is my smelling bottle ? (looks for it) 
I put it here — gone ! and my watch ? gon< 
and the spoons ? gone ! ! ! and the forks ? I 
gone ! ! ! ! and the teapot ? yes, andmyke^ si 
and ring ? and every thing I had ? gone !!!!!] 
(She mournfully shakes her head as convic- 
tion as to the character of her late guest 



91 



becomes irresistible, and sinks, overcome by 
the shock, into the chair, murmuring faintly) 
" no ! there is no mistake whatever !' J 
(faints.) Scene closes. 



EPISTLES DEDICATORY. 



To Miss B — with a Swiss ecritoire. 



This ecritoire, my dear Miss B, 
I hope will prove inciting 

More specimens to sending me 
Of your most welcome writing. 

May Mr. Marshall* still to thee 
Keep constantly inditing 

Those " notes" so satisfactory, 
Not love, but payment, plighting. 

* Vide Signature of Bank Notes. 



92 



May you, I pray, still safe and free 
From ill, your prospects blighting, 

Keep, like good ship, in life's rough sea r 
A tendency to "'righting.." 



II. To E. E. WITH A WATCH. 



I hope, my dear Nelly, this watch 

Will meet with your kind approbation, 

For your satisfaction to catch 

Would give me great gratification. 

Herein too a sentiment lurks 

Which with the occasion may chime 

** To you, and the watch, may good works- 
Ever prove a true measure of time." 

" And as of these busy hands' travel 

The dial exhibits no trace ; 
i<>-may Time's iron fingers ne'er ravel 

With wrinkles your smooth happy face." 



93 



III. To Arabella, with a red smelling-bottle 

ON HER BIRTHDAY. 



I wish you a great many years 

Of happiness comfort and wealth ; 

Tour cheeks, (like your clothes) free from "tears/ 

And red, like this bottle, with health. 

But at life's final closing, and when 
Your course toward heaven is bent ; 
As this lavender-water may then 
Your soul have as pleasant " a-scent." 



IV. To Delia, with a bouquet of flowers from 

THE " JARDIN" NEAR ChAMOUNI. 



Down from the mountains a tempest came thundering,. 

Snapping the pines with it's boisterous shock; 
And Chamouni's flower-beds playfully plundering, 

Elung some poor seeds on a bare Alpine rock. 

Through the long-lingering Winter's dull reign 
Steeped in deep snows they lay torpid and dead r 

Till the sun, long a stranger, returning again, 
Peeped over the peaks, and illumined their bed. 



94 



Soon, as dissolving the stern icy rigour 

He pierced their dark prison with warm melting gleams, 
They burst into life, and indued with new vigour, 

Spread abroad their small leaflets to welcome his beams. 

And though the smooth rock to their wide-spreading roots 
Unwilling poor sustenance scantly supplied, 

And rough surly north- winds the tender green shoots 
With envious buffetings often would chide ; 

Ey harsh Alpine nurses so rudely though tended, 
Undaunted they flourished, and sprouted the more ; 

Till buds, by the fostering sun still befriended, 
Decked the glacier with glories unwonted before. 

And travellers, wondering, said that the flowers 
Forget-me-not jessamine, primrose, and thyme, 

With their fresh mountain fragrance might rival the bowers 
And shame the bright dyes of a happier clime. 

Here too did the wing'd busy troopers arrive 

Forsaking fair Chamouni's sunnier store, 
Quaffed the sweet juices, then back to their hive 

Eich treasures of amberlike nectar they bore. 

From his haunt in the sky, down steep giddy traces, 
Through clouds spread about him descending to rest, 

The Chamois each eve, in this tiny oasis 
Found a soft, scented, and blossomy nest. 

Lady ! in this simple garden's small history 

Lurks amoral. " "What is it ?" you ask me. Nay, guess: 



95 



Point it, in verse; for indeed 'tis no, mystery, 
And this bouquet from thence shall reward your success. 



Y. To Belinda, with a Bernese fan.. 



When in some crowded suffocating room 

You gasp at 90° Fahrenheit, or more, 
This fan, should heat have paled your cheek's fresh bloom ? 

"Will all it's native brightness soon restore. 

When love into your ear it's soft vows drops, 
Like " desert-flower " you may " blush unseen," 

Till when — we wont say who — the question pops, 
You nod assenting from behind it's screen. 

Though this poor verse be, like the offering, vile, 
Yet, if your wonted kindness should extend 

The very faintest symptom of a smile, 
T' would very much delight your 

Faithful friend. 



VI. To Taeitha, with some charms made of Irish bog 

OAK, CONSISTING OF A HORSESHOE, A GROTESQUE LITTLE 
HEAD, A SHOE, A CRADLE, AND A CROSS. 



These black little chips 01 Hibernian oak, 
Condemned in a bog many ages to soak, 



m 

May convey my good wishes in hints emblematical 
.As neatly as sentences terse and grammatical ; 
Your wit their significance cannot but see, 
But perhaps 'twould be well to interpret, e.g. 
The horseshoe, the recognized symbol of luck, 
Is to bring you a swain, such a love of a duck ! 
This quaint little head with the horrid grimace 
"Too well represents my unfortunate face ; 
However, the comical portrait may serve 
In kindly remembrance a friend to preserve, 
Nor can I express with what infinite pride 
I should witness my efiigy hang by your side. 
"But what does the tiny black shoe say ?" you ask- 
— To reply would at first seem a difficult task : 
'Tis said that " a glad heart attends a black shoe " 
See a book called Ray's Proverbs, and page fifty-two ; 
But I cannot explain how the famed Day and Martin 
Our joys or affections can take any part in. 
Next we come to the cradle, which means "may your sleep 
" As that of a baby be tranquil and deep ; 
" By care or discomfort untroubled your rest, 
"While whispering angels sweet fancies suggest. 
Last of all, Christianity's sign is to show 
— That I wish you unvarying happiness ? .No ! 
Let tempering sadness your gaiety leaven, 
For " crosses on earth are a ladder to heaven." * 
:So ends then my very dull song, but before 
I conclude, pray allow me to add one wish more .: 

* See Kay's Proverbs. 



97 



Only this, that your boasting may never be vain 
That still your best charms are those not on your 
chain. 



THE END, 



i 



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